Bee Happy :)
A wise man once said "money can't buy me love," but personally I think he is crazy because obviously it can. Well robot-love anyway, because with a lot of money one could quite easily build a robot that is designed specifically to love. I don't know about human love to be honest, but I guess you could buy a lot of flowers or something and maybe that would work. Of course flowers sometimes have bees in them and if you gave a girl a flower with a bee in it and the bee came out and stung her on the face then it would be really embarrassing because the girl would be in pain and also tragic because the bee would die. Bees don't need money anyway, all they need is pollen to make honey with and they are happy. We should all be like bees.
But in this corrupt world we are not bees and we need money because it can be exchanged for the important necessities in life such as food and tarot cards. "Oh but Moof my dear," the voice in my head asks, "I don't have any money, can I have some please?" No you silly devil you cannot because I do not have any. However, like a beautiful angel sent from the heavens as in the bestseller novel The Bible, I am going to make you all millionaires. Simply follow my simple guide and choose the path that is right for you, and before you know it you will be living in an enormous mansion with an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with cocaine and live dogs made out of gold. On the moon.
Method One: Invent Something
I was driving on the highway a few days ago and a thought occurred to me. At first I was surprised, and then a little afraid, but when I had come to the realization that I was capable of abstract thought while simultaneously being flung through the desert at eighty miles per hour inside my rusted deathtrap named Bogart, I came to recognize the full potential of what had just struck me. The idea was a simple one - FeatherKitties. I intend to breed a new species of animal that is basically a kitten with feathers. I am not sure how I will do this yet but maybe I will use some kind of genetic machine or ask Jesus. The FeatherKitty is sure to be a great hit with all the family, combining the warm and lovable qualities of a cat with the beautiful plumage of an eagle. I do not yet know if it will have a beak or not, but it will definitely be able to lay eggs. They will not fly because that would be ridiculous.
Method Two: Get a JobOH SPOKKERJONES
This is the method that is least likely to succeed while also requiring the most work. It is terribly difficult to find a job that pays a great deal of money. If you know how to build rockets or perform brain surgery then you may be in luck, but I feel I can do both with a little practice and yet I have a terrible job that mostly consists of smiling a lot even when I am crying inside.
Method Three: Marry a Rich Person
Please do not tell him, but I am currently trying to win the heart of Something Awful's very own Zachary "SpokkerJones" Gutierrez. One day I hope we will get married and live in his sprawling underground bunker located deep beneath New York City where we can plot the destruction of the western world and dance all night beneath the stars and five hundred feet of rock and dirt. Shhh, it's a secret.
Method Four: Kill a Rich Person
If SpokkerJones shuns my advances he will be in for a little surprise, if you catch my drift. Hehe.
Any one of these tried and tested methods will put you on the fast road to financial freedom and the moral bankruptcy that comes with having enough money to buy an entire African tribe. "What will life be like when I am as rich as a hog in mud?" I can hear the voice ask me. I do not know, voice. Here are some examples of rich people and maybe you can make up your mind for yourself for once in your life.
The Richest Person in the World - Bill "AppleHead" Gates
Bill "AppleHead" Gates spent the majority of his 50 billion dollar fortune researching and implementing a replacement head that is also an apple. With his apple head, Mr. Gates now controls both the software world and the world of fruit. I fear it will not be long before every home computer is accompanied by a small army of bananas and melons, ready to strike at any moment.
His head is made of apples and love and applelove.
The Second Richest Person in the World - George W. "Have You Forgotten?" Bush
George Bush made most of his money by stealing it from his father and smuggling oil across the border during the Vietnam War. He uses a lot of the money to buy big cowboy hats and big cowboy horses, but the majority of it goes towards a tireless campaign of reminding people who have forgotten. Who could forget, I hope you have not forgotten. Don't worry if you have forgotten, because soon you will remember again. Even if it took these three years to put those terrible images out of your mind, all you have to do is turn on your television and you will be reminded once again. I certainly have not forgotten. A vote for George W. Bush is a vote for remembering stuff, unless it is "how to vote for a person who is not a maniac."
The Third Richest Person in the World - Gabe "Headcrab" Newell
The man behind the hit video game Half-Life, as well as its expansion packs Half-Life: It's a Trap! and Half-Life: Dinowarriors. Gabe is now working on the sequel, which is to be released some time this year and will include the following amazing updates:
The main character, Gordon Freeman, can now bury himself underground and dig through the soil like a mole.
New enemies include seven different types of zombies, another helicopter with a gun, and a surprise guest appearance. (Clue: it is Nemo from Disney's blockbuster family movie Finding Nemo!!).
All weapons will be replaced with nonviolent alternatives, such as The Hands of Praying and The Love Dove.
Crates will be improved with many different varieties of wood, including pine, birch, and even mahogany!
While writing this travesty of an article, I could not help but feel that the bees have got it easy. They never have to worry about paying bills or anything of the sort. Oh to be a bee, flying around all day without a care in the world. Imagine a world in which we are all bees, my friends. Nothing to kill or die for, and a lot of honey too. Bzzzzz.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.