This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.
Mother's Day is just around the corner, and that means you're an awful child because you haven't purchased a gift yet. Before you start despairing all over the place, know that a small glimmer of hope still remains in the darkness. Bradford Exchange, the SkyMall of the trailer park set, has put together a large assortment of gifts that could, in theory, be presented to a lady who birthed you.
Personally, I would advise against it. However, if your mother is insane, devoid of taste, the living manifestation of a flea market, your worst enemy or the type of person who thrives on seeing her offspring throw money into a burning open-pit strip mine, you're in luck. I went ahead and sifted through 40+ pages of Bradford Exchange gifts to pull out a few choice gems you might consider purchasing.
If your mother is a degenerate gambler, Bradford Exchange has you covered with this necklace designed to celebrate her obsessive need to gamble away your inheritance. Mom should be able to recoup a modest percentage of the $79.00 price tag at the pawn shop, fueling a good hour or so of fun at the nickel slots.
The elegance of high-heel shoes collides with one of the NFL's most celebrated teams in this lovely Christmas ornament designed to announce to the world that you're a big piece of trash. Perfect for tasteless moms, and only $29.97 a set!
Getting the "I Love Lucy" license is a pretty huge victory for Bradford Exchange. A brand like that doesn't come cheap. Thankfully they jumped into action and plastered Lucy's face on the most logical thing imaginable: a cuckoo clock. This lovely timepiece should look beautiful in the burned wreckage of a small home, surrounded by the charred remnants of hundreds of McDonald's wrappers and several small cat and dog skeletons that fused together in a tragic bathroom hotplate grease fire.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and clearly the world needed a shirt that looks like a nature calendar exploded in a garment factory. Subtle, graceful and not at all distracting, this shirt packs all the favorites of the animal kingdom: elephants, bears, big cats, gorillas, pandas and foxes. It's a veritable who's who of wildlife illuminati, all shown in "their natural habitat."
America's fascination with outlaw motorcycle clubs reaches its logical conclusion in the form of this biker baby with Bell's palsy. Biker baby promises "'tude from head to toe" sure to run afoul of the law. This is a great gift if your mother is John Waters or some alligator-skinned old lady emblazoned with stirring hepatitis-imbued skull tattoos.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
An ongoing exploration of the many products and artistic masterworks created and sold by the Bradford Exchange.