Step 5: Break up.
The best way to do this is to start one of the usual arguments and then wait until one of you says "I give up! It's over!" and leaves. Then five minutes later texts "i srsly mebn it, were done i hae you" and then half an hour later texts "im po sorry lets talk abot it" and then an hour later texts "i cant believe u sent thos nude pics 2 my parents befor i sad sorry, we have lot 2 talk about"
This leads to:
Step 6: Get back together.
You guys were meant to be, and that was just a minor lapse. You guys just have to buckle down and work thought it.
Step 7: Break up.
What were you thinking? There's no way this will work. You're better off without her.
Step 8: Get back together.
What were you thinking? There's no way you can live without her. You guys just weren't trying hard enough to work it out. Try harder.
Step 9: Break up.
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Ok, that's it. No more getting jerked around. You're done for good.
Step 40: Break up for good for real this time.
Those other times were practice runs, and now you're really doing this for real.
Step 41: You're still broken up.
Oh god, she didn't call. I think that might have actually been it. Shit, you should call her.
Step 42: You're still still broken up.
No, don't call her. This is it, it's finally over.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.