MESOTHELIOMA is a form of cancer caused by exposure to asbestos in the workplace. As other law firms have stated in their advertisements, it is a frightening disease with grave long-term effects.
If you experienced undue distress and anguish as a result of our competitors' use of the word MESOTHELIOMA in their advertisements, you might be owed money for your suffering. If you are too paralyzed by fear to make a telephone call, just scream and we'll try to find you. Otherwise, pick up your phone and call:
A recall has been issued for all tubes of Crest toothpaste manufactured between August and September of 2007 due to a defect that rendered a small percent of the caps somewhat difficult to twist back on after they have been twisted off.
If you have been besieged by the ghost of someone who died while slipping or choking on one of these caps and you need a level 3 Hyzgeric Crystal to banish their soul, call:
Our competitor Leonard J. Crabs (a.k.a. Lenard J Crab, a.k.a. Lenrd Crb, a.k.a. Lnr C, a.k.a. Lllnnnrr, a.k.a. Ron Mexico) has been spotted in the bushes outside of our fair town's pet stores and veterinarian clinics, emerging from the foliage to sell styrofoam coolers which he bills as "nuclear fallout shelters for cats".
It has recently been brought to our attention that these shelters have NOT been approved by the FDA, ASPCA, or the Schroedinger Foundation. If your cat has been injured or killed in a nuclear attack while inside one of Mr. Crb's styrofoam fallout shelters, call:
As your childhood came to an end, were you made to believe that Santa Claus is not real? Was this the first of many realizations that the world around you is not magical or special in any way and that it is folly to believe in anything beyond the fact that the people you love will all let you down and abandon you in time?
Well, if Santa Claus isn't real, why don't any of the letters addressed to him come back with the "Return To Sender" stamp? Santa does exist, and with the aid of the United States Postal Service he knowingly perpetuates the myth of his non-existence to save money on the production and delivery of presents to people over the age of thirteen.
To find out if you are entitled to years worth of backpresents, please call:
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.