This article is part of the Busytown Police Blotter series.

Saturday, July 8
  • Officers and firefighters observed the funeral of Snozzle, a BTFD veteran killed fighting the worst fire ever in the best house ever. Snozzle's chief, Smokey, delivered a stirring eulogy in honor of the fallen hero. The funeral procession concluded at Busytown Memorial Cemetery. Hundreds of residents came out to pay respects and nearly caused a huge traffic jam. Sgt. Murphy was able to deftly direct traffic, preventing any accidents.
  • Garbage men Mr. Sweepy and Davy Dog discovered a doll in a dumpster behind Bruno's Deli belonging to the missing Lily Bunny. Detective Sniff examined the doll and followed the scent, but did not get very far due to a recent rainstorm. Bruno denied any knowledge of the doll and no evidence suggests he has any involvement in the disappearance.
  • Mr. Gronkle reported that ornery neighborhood kids were playing around his pond. Officers responded to the grouchy man and asked the gaggle of small mice to play elsewhere. Mr. Gronkle then attempted to lecture the officers on manners. Following that, he complained that a raccoon was hiding out in his shed. Officers investigated and found no evidence to support his claims. While attempting to leave, Mr. Gronkle pleaded with the officers to stay, explaining that his mother was coming over to meet his friends and that he had no friends. Officers pretended to be Mr. Gronkle's friends for approximately one half hour before leaving to conduct other business.
  • Officers responded to an incident outside the Busytown Planned Parenthood, located on the 300 block of Ice Cream Ave. Witnesses say Miss Honey, a local teacher and activist, viciously mauled three protesters outside the clinic. Cohorts of Miss Honey claim the demonstrators were attempting to block entrance to the facility and violate constitutional rights. Other demonstrators say they were merely holding a peaceful rally when they were assaulted. The victims were taken to Busytown Hospital where they remain in stable condition. Miss Honey remains in jail awaiting arraignment.
  • Farmer Alfalfa complained sleeping motorists were driving aimlessly through his fields, destroying his crops. Officers responding to the call noted that three people were indeed asleep at the wheel, driving aimlessly through his alfalfa fields. Bananas the Gorilla, Humperdink the Baker, and Goldbug were all issued citations for reckless driving and ordered to reimburse Farmer Alfalfa for damage to his crops.
Sunday, July 9
  • Officers responded to reports of suspicious early morning activity outside the Café Ole. They found Tanglefoot at the scene attempting to set the building on fire with numerous improvised incendiary devices. Officers subdued him and were able to properly dispose of his homemade explosives. Upon arrest, the suspect confessed to starting numerous fires and begged officers to "lock [him] away forever." He is currently being held in connection with a dozen other arsons dating as far back as May 2006.
  • Detective Sniff reported a gruesome discovery in the basement of the Bunny household. After catching whiff of a new scent, he followed it back to the Bunny's residence in the Dumpling Valley neighborhood. There in the basement he found the body of child beauty queen Lily Bunny dead underneath a white blanket. The body is awaiting removal pending a search warrant. A formal investigation will commence following an autopsy.
  • Officer responded to 911 call from Oly Owl purporting the theft of his toothbrush. After an exhaustive search of the neighborhood, Oly Owl called back to report that he found the missing toothbrush in his medicine cabinet. Officer called off search and resumed other duties.
  • Officers responded to reports of vandalism on the 600 block of E. Whirlybird. 607 E. Whirlybird, home of Captain Salty, had indeed been heavily vandalized with graffiti and refuse. Captain Salty, a registered sex offender in compliance with all legal requirements, complained of persistent harassment from neighbors and townspeople. Officers took his statement, questioned neighbors, and filed a report. No other action was taken due to a lack of suspects or witnesses.
  • Wolfgang Wolf, Benny Baboon, and Harry Hyena were arrested in the afternoon hours following the theft of 60 feet of copper wiring from a construction site on the 1200 block of W. Dumpling. Upon arrest, two vials of cocaine were found on Benny Baboon's person. The copper wiring was returned to the construction site and the trio was taken downtown for booking.
  • All officers responded to the BEST STANDOFF EVER outside a cabin in the unincorporated Turtle Forest area. An officer investigating a reported sighting of Mr. Fixit spotted a rusty 1992 model donut car parked outside. While inspecting the vehicle, two shots were fired from within the cabin. Officer retreated to his car and radioed for backup. Two dozen units responded and within 20 minutes the entire cabin was surrounded. Mr. Fixit, hiding out inside the cabin, refused to surrender. Sgt. Murphy radioed in for SWAT support, which arrived in minutes. Tear gas canisters were fired into the cabin, followed by a three-pronged assault. Mr. Fixit attempted to fire and was shot two times. He was airlifted to Busytown Hospital where he is being treated under armed guard.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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