Behold the Utopian promise of LivingXL, a catalog of useful instruments for everyday life:
Imagine living free of all discomfort, frustration and inconvenience. Imagine living without the stress that comes when the right product isn't there. A better lifestyle awaits.
LivingXL offers a collection of unique, innovative and high quality products for tall and plus-sized men and women to help achieve a more comfortable lifestyle. These products cover every aspect of life; from sunrise to sundown, at work or at play, relaxing or on the go, there is something here to make life easier.
Hey, sounds great! What's the catch? Oh: I have to get tide-alteringly obese. Let's check out a few of their helpful products, shall we?
Late to the cotillion? 'Twouldn't do! Quickly: find your cufflinks, knot your tie, part your hair, shore up your formidable bulk within your finest velvet blazer. Lady Miriam grows impatient, and shall soon have her dance card punched by Halloway, that Yalie scoundrel!
Batten down those buttons, old bean… but wait: your trunk-like arms can't circumfer your rotunditude, leaving your clasps unfastened and your zips unzippered. There's a smart boy: just pull out the Button and Zipper Hook, and in no time you're hitched tighter than a Jew's cheese cask!
When you're a large person, the most mundane tasks become exercises in sweaty, gasping frustration. Merely zipping up your pants is like trying to unlock a car with a coat hanger. Luckily, LivingXL gives us the equivalent of a AAA roadside assistance program: this sweet baby will have your zipper at maximum upness at near-thin-guy speeds.
Navigating the warren-like backstreets of the fabled Orient is a risky business, but you know these alleys like the back of your hand. You grasp your side, Fu Manchu's poison acting quicker than you anticipated: spiking your ham salad with two liters of castor oil, he has created a bellowing rumble in your ample vault.
Quickly, you must find one of those squalid holes the squinting Chinaman mistakes for a latrine! But no rickshaw will bear you… what to do, old boy? Think! Ah yes, the Heavy Duty Commode, indispensable to the hefty traveler. Ducking between two stalls, the savory aroma of boiled cat tickling your nostrils, you empty the mad doctor's foul payload with unshaken dignity.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this sweet baby is basically a giant walker with a turlet affix't. It says it holds 650lbs, but I'm not sure if that refers to the guy sitting on it, or to the… you know…
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.