This is not my jury summons!

This is not my hotel room pay-per-view invoice!

This is not my hand reaching past the zoo's very specific warning sign about the exact activity I am about to engage in, as I prepare to give an informative Tea Party flier to a very interested sloth!

This is not my vast collection of hentai sealed in an enormous guarded vault labeled "Normal Manga"!

This is not my beautiful head stuck in a pot of honey!

This is not my for-profit redistribution of a football game without the express written permission of the NFL!

This is not a photograph of me accidentally causing the 2008 financial crisis by trying to yank a blank sheet of paper from the bottom of a precarious inverse pyramid of folders with titles like "Good Economy: Please Don't Move" and "Everything Will Be Fine If These Stay In A Very Specific Order"!

This is not a free cup of water that I have clearly poured out and am using at the soda fountain!

This is not my attempt to hack large corporations by calling them collect from this public phone booth, desperately whistling in random tones when the recording asks me to state my name!

This is not my memo authorizing the remakes of Point Break and Memento, concluding with a passionate call to finally get the ball rolling on the American live action Akira set in America!

This is not my internet browser history, which contains three years worth of daily searches for "how do i get websites on here" and nothing else!

This is not my FBI: Free Bacon Inspections hat!

This is not my post on a popular image sharing site earnestly asking if I'm the only one who thinks an attractive, popular celebrity is attractive!

This is not my crudely counterfeited Star Wars merchandise stand, including ziploc bags of Jedi Glitter (just like the real stuff in the movies), space jerky, and a Chewbacca baseball which is clearly a regulation tennis ball!

This is not my questionable reference to a song released more than thirty years ago!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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