A famous person once quipped, "you can't keep a good man down!" This person is now dead. However, Emily and I are still very much alive after surviving The Canadian Candy Challenge Part I and The Canadian Candy Challenge Part II. We've taken the worst Canada's fancy-ass French fruity store threw at us and we came out winners, impervious to the inedible horrors that Canada attempts to forcefully shovel down the throats of their citizens each and every day. It's this kind of American pride and perseverance that has made our country what it is today, whatever the hell that may be. I think it's now simply a humongous satellite dish to beam "Sex In the City" to nearby galaxies. To remind you of the terror we're facing, let's once again take a quick look at the enemy:

I wish the US Customs Inspector would've confiscated this bag of despair at the border.

While it's definitely no Clubber Lang or Eggplant Wizard, the Canadian Candy is able to put up one hell of a fight and keep our internal organs working overtime to foil their sinister schemes. In today's final Canadian Candy Challenge update, we wrestle with "Mackintosh's (creamy) TOFFEE," "Fruit-tella," "WUNDERBAR," and the hotly debated "Sidekick" candy bar. Let the pain begin!

Mackintosh's (creamy) TOFFEE

Description: Mackintosh took the creative and artistic liberty of designing their candy bar package in a motif which we can best describe as "the kilt from a drunken Irishman who recently vomited all over himself while cheering 'happy new years!'" The word "creamy" before "TOFFEE" (in all caps, possibly to distract you from the fact that you're buying the world's fruitiest-looking box) first clued us into the fact that perhaps something was on the "up and up" with this taste sensation. This proved to be true enough, as we soon discovered that the back of the box contained the phrase "GIVE YOUR MACK A SMACK!" (once again in all capital letters). I naturally assumed that "MACK" was Canadian for "WIFE" and I began beating Emily once agai- er, oops, I mean she fell down the stairs.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 7 (out of 10)

When I think "toffee," I think "small crisp sheets of oddly tasting candy that are spawned from grandmothers' houses." However, I believe there has been some communication problem between the American usage of this word and its Canadian counterpart, as "toffee" in Canada apparently means "really, really, really powerful caramel." The candy came in a flat brown rectangle that was about as dense as Kevlar armor. Now I'm not ashamed to admit that I really liked the taste of this one; however chewing into it was like attempting to eat a titanium bullet. I simply don't have the raw jaw strength to chew this stuff into a ball small enough to be digested. As I write this, 98% of the "TOFFEE" still remains adhered to my upper row of teeth. I think it can now be officially declared a new body part.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 8 (out of 10)

This tasted fine, but I can feel my teeth rotting away by the second as I write this. "Mackintosh's (creamy) TOFFEE" stuff stuck to my molars like how 15-year old Anime nerds from a rural Minnesota town stick to the one Asian girl in their class at school. The texture is pretty annoying, like chewing an inch-thick cube of glue that has been drying for a day or so, but it still tasted pretty good. I can't imagine eating the entire thing, however. My jaw would drop off and then I'd really be in trouble, oh boy, yes sirree! I would never be able to pursue my dream job of "professional person with jaw" that I've been hoping for all these tedious years.


Fruit-tella

Description: "WITH REAL FRUIT JUICE." How could we possibly go wrong? The package itself was humongous, but once we opened it we were pleasantly surprised to find out that it contained THREE INDIVIDUAL STICKS of Fruit-tella! But wait, it gets even better: inside each stick of Fruit-tella lies 10 Fruit-tella pieces! It's like one of those crazy Russian egg things where you open one and there's a tinier one inside and then you open that and there's a tinier one inside that one and then you eventually realize this whole thing is really stupid and pointless so you smash it with a hammer and try to sell the remains on eBay.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 9

Hooray, finally a candy that didn't taste like a chocolate log after being rolled across the floors of 10 trailer park homes! This candy resembles "Starburst" in just about every way except its distinct lack of color and fruit choice. I'm fairly sure the newest incantation of "Starburst" has roughly 192 different flavors like "Mango Grape Banana" and "Sand Oasis Slumbertime Passionfruit," but "Fruit-tella" is limited to only the basic strawberry, orange, and lemon groups. The strawberry and lemon ones tasted great but since I won't touch any artificial orange candy with somebody else's 10-foot stick, I'll leave that review up to Emily, assuming she's still not rambling on about "Mackintosh's (creamy) Toffee."

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 6

Okay, so "Fruit-tella" wasn't really the fruity death-tube that I was expecting it to be and for that I suppose I am happy enough. It was a lot like the US "Starburst" right down to the flavor assortment and the creepy, waxlike polymer that the little space-cubes are made of. I'm not a big fan of "Starburst" so I suppose that I didn't like this candy very much but I think that I am going to give it an even lower rating than it deserves because I just want to send out a big old "Fuck You" to Canada for producing all of this crappy confectionery we've had to eat in the past week. If only Canada would just be mysteriously teleported to another dimension, we here in the US wouldn't have to put up with this sort of culinary abuse, not to mention the fact that we'd never have to hear the word "aboot" again. And why is "Fruit-Tella" hyphenated, anyway? Canuck fags!


WUNDERBAR

Description: "A peanut butter caramel experience c'est carachidebile." The key word here is "experience" and should be used in the same context as "experience your car colliding with a moving train." WUNDERBAR's color scheme and font tries to deceive us foolish Americans into thinking this could possible be a "Butterfinger" candy bar but oh how wrong you would be! "WUNDERBAR" is to "Butterfinger" as "a mind-blowingly erotic and orgasmic experience" is to "me in bed." Oh, and let me get this joke out of the way before we can start the review: IT IS NOT NAMED "WONDER BRA."

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 4

It's not so much the taste that bothered me on this, but it was the texture and horrid combination of spongy, sticky goo that weaseled its way into my mouth even though I am using AdAware and don't have Bonzi Buddy installed. The whole reference to peanut butter on the cover had me hoping for something even vaguely related to "Butterfinger," however all I got was something related to butt fingers. That's a hilarious play on words, by the way. If you don't appreciate that joke then you should go back to Soviet Russia where you belong, you obnoxious freak.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 3

I thought that this candy bar was going to be sort of like "Butterfinger" but it was a texture disaster. "WUNDERBAR" was squishy yet crunchy in the same way that biting into a month-dead corpse's hand would be squishy yet crunchy. The taste was pretty gross, too, another asstastic peanut butter failure where after eating it I rushed to drink several cans of soda and my own urine in the hopes that it would cleanse the toxins from my body. That and I just can't get enough of my own urine. HAHAHA Wow, Rich. "Butt fingers." That was clever and not at all sophomoric humor, A++ 5 stars, LOL!

Sorry about that "sophomoric" joke Emily, I'll just write my reviews in terms you can understand from now on: CANDY BAR NO TASTE GOOD, ME NO LIKE, ME BASH FIANCÉ WITH ROCK


Sidekick

Description: "Milk Chocolate, Peanut Butter, and Soft Nougats." I wasn't aware that nougat could be plural but "Sidekick" breaks all the rules and regulations when it comes to the fast-paced Canadian candy bar industry. This baby is pumped out of the "Sidekick" machine located in beautiful Mississauga, Ontario, which I believe is where they filmed that one episode of "Sliders" where the fat guy got killed by the dinosaur. The nutritional information on the back gives "ENERGY" a rating of "272," which means that if you consume one "Sidekick" bar you will have your energy bar and hit points rise by 272 points I think.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 9

How the hell did this slip by the Canadian Board of Producing Complete Shit? I'm guessing Hershey Canada handed an awfully large bribe underneath the table, as "Sidekick" is a very good candy bar that is on par with many American treats. If I ate candy bars, I would definitely add "Sidekick" to my list of "objects to eat," but my current diet plan of "All I Eat Is Cucumber and Onion Rings" prohibits me from doing so. I can easily recommend "Sidekick" to all my friends and family members. Keep in mind that I once recommended "State of Emergency" for the PS2, so perhaps my opinion isn't really worth all that much.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 5

I had high hopes for "Sidekick," don't ask me why. Maybe it was because this is the last candy bar we're reviewing and I really wanted at least one of these horrible sweets to be good. I mean, come on, Canada: you could have turned out at least a single decent candy bar out of the 12 or so that we picked, right? Nope. Unfortunately, nothing about "Sidekick" is worth writing home about. Or even calling home or thinking about home or remember that you have a home or making your home where the snakes live, for that matter. It was boring just like stupid Vancouver was, but it even lacked the highlight of having a bird shit on my head, so no thank you, I don't need a "Sidekick." Which is why I'm leaving you, Rich!!

Well that's the final installment in our Canadian Candy Challenge. If you'd like to view the previous two installments, and I have absolutely no clue why you would possibly want to do so, head on over to The Canadian Candy Challenge Part I or The Canadian Candy Challenge Part II. I'm just glad this horrible, horrible chapter of our lives is over with and we can get back to writing about whatever the hell we normally write about, penises or or Nazi blimp attacks or whatever lame attempts at humor we engage in.

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