The SA Forums are a very diverse place. Among many other forums we have a games forum for people to discuss games and coordinate multiplayer games, we have a graphic design and creative writing forum, a Photoshop forum, and until about six or so months ago we had a flames forum for people to get out their aggression. This forum, which has gone through many name changes and come back around to being FYAD (short for Fuck You And Die) has, over the last six months, evolved into what amounts to an insane comedy forum. The miscreants who inhabit this realm would not hesitate to follow up a 500 word rant by someone with a huge picture of a she-male or simply "FAG".
Despite of, or more likely because of, this lawlessness, FYAD occasionally produces some of the funniest content on the SA Forums. Recently a poster by the name of Atomo announced that Captain America, superhero and champion of Democracy, was being bad. Along with this proclamation he included several 3D-renderings of the good Captain misbehaving. It was hilariously funny, but a good deal of time passed and the Captain had not returned for a second round, so I and a few others demanded he go on another rampage. What we got, courtesy of Atomo, CitrusFrog, Scar Trek, and BuddhaKitten, was a descent into madness and depravity unparalleled in the history of the Something Awful Forums. Extra thanks go to the folks at Sturk Wurk who created the super hero models for use in Poser. I will attempt to recreate the events that transpired as best as I can, but please allow me some leeway, as I am still shaken by the terrible things I have experienced.
|It all started innocently enough, with Captain America on a stakeout in the city, keeping an eye on things covertly. He had his sights set on two shady characters, one of them by the name of "Cyclops". Cyclops was a Marvel hooligan that thought he was a hero but was really a zero and he was into some bad deals with what was no doubt another troublemaker.|
|Unable to hear the conversation that was going on between the two conspirators, Captain America moved to a closer vantage point. He could almost make out the words and could tell that the encounter was reaching a climax. If he didn't act quickly they might go their separate way!|
|Realizing that the very fabric of Democracy might be at risk by Cyclops and his black-hearted cohort, Captain America sprung into action. He made short work of the overgrown flashlight from Marvel, and floored the other scumbag with a haymaker to the jaw. Then something swept over him, call it madness, call it the thrill of aggression, but the Captain went well beyond the call of duty.|
|Meanwhile…a few blocks over. Loose cannon and supposed "good guy" Iron Man was busy waylaying Spider Man against a wall. That's the way Iron Man worked, he didn't care if there were old ladies around or vagrants marinating in cheap vodka only inches away. In fact he loved it, he did it for the thrill.|
|His task completed, Iron Man departed quickly, while Spiderman collapsed against the wall. He was violated and he felt like less than nothing, suddenly he understood every song Tori Amos had ever written. The tears washed over him like a tsunami of anguish.|
|Just as Spiderman's sobbing had almost subsided the heavy footfalls of Captain America could be heard approaching. As much as Spiderman wanted to lash out at Iron Man, to have Captain America find him and beat him into a thin paste of blood and guts, he felt so ashamed he just wanted to be left alone.|
|Unfortunately for us all, Captain America had different ideas. The same madness that gripped him in the alley when battling Cyclops and his crony once again seized his mind, and this time it was not quick to release its grip. As the Captain succumbed to his darkest desires, he felt not regret, but elation…empowerment. For the second time that day Spiderman's tender backside was rent asunder.|
|Lost to the evil within his patriotic breast, Captain America knew what his course of action must be to transform the city into his sinister play land. First, he had to remove the competition. Without its' protectors, the city would be his! Poor Dare Devil was the first to be taken out of the picture.|
|Even a visiting wrestler from Mexico was taken out of commission by the rampaging Captain America.|
|Iron Man was no match for the Captain's cunning improvisations in battle.|
|Was the storm over, or was this simply the eye? Some last vestige of the man that was the Captain America who defended Lady Liberty forced his unwilling body into the woods. Perhaps a commune with nature would clear his thoughts. But nature offered slim solace for a villain of Captain America's caliber.|
Stay tuned Friday for the exciting conclusion of this saga! Thrill as Captain America battles with Batman! Chill as this disease spreads to other DC heroes! Spill at the discovery that no location is safe, not even your children's classroom or the bathroom at home! Frill when Captain America enters a figure skating competition with America's greatest enemy; Adolph Hitler! WILL DEMOCRACY SURVIVE?
Naturally if people e-mail me and tell me this sucks then I'll be an asshole and never show anyone how it all ends. Trust me, this was just the tip of the iceberg of depravity.
This Time It's Personal!
Cliff Yablonski is back with more mayhem than ever before! Yes, he still hates you all, but this time it's a thrill a minute as Cliff and Enoch become involved in a family feud.
Cliff Yablonski: "That's it, it's time for a 1960's-style ass whooping courtesy of your old friend Cliff. Enoch, I'm tired of your shit and if dad could still hear, I'd call him up on the phone and tell him just what a jackass you're being for completely fuckscrewing up my award winning computer screen show!!!"
Enoch Yablonski: "YEAH, KEEP ON CHUCKING OUT YOUR PUSSY THREATS, YOU COULDN'T EVEN LAND A PUNCH ON ME IF I WAS BLITZ DRUNK AND PASSED OUT IN WADING POOL YOU INCONTINENT RECLUSE!"
Uh oh! It's best not to get mixed up in the middle when Cliff and Enoch go at it like that. Just look at the pictures and when possible listen to the soothing words of Ugly Cat. Did I mention this is the most insane update Cliff has ever done for his site? No? Well consider yourself warned now, chowderchimp.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.