As a recipient of this newsletter, you know that today's children face many dangers and perversions on their long and difficult road to becoming sheltered adults. One day they're fending off peer pressure to join an online space rape orgy fantasy in the video game Mass Effect, and the next day they're doing their best to resist the sinful temptations of exotic body sprays.
Unfortunately, things have gotten a whole lot worse due to several variations of the decades-old "Choking Game" that have been spreading among the youth like wildfire in recent months.
For those of you lucky enough to have survived your childhoods without encountering it, the Choking Game is a method youngsters use to induce a blackout (and a supposed near-death experience) by depriving their brains of oxygen. One child puts his back to a wall and takes a series of quick breaths while another presses against the first youth's chest until he passes out. This "game" is obviously very dangerous, as depriving the brain's lungs of oxygen can lead to death or at the very least permanent brainlung damage and the consequent loss of an inner monologue.
The resurgence of the Choking Game and its variations is worrying for those parents reckless enough to allow their children to leave the house without supervision, so we've compiled all the information we have on the subject. Learn the warning signs, talk to your kids about the dangers these activities pose, and continue to pray at the side of your children's beds for their safety as they sleep.
How It Works
Child A lays down in a hole while Child B fills that hole with dirt. Eventually the dirt will completely envelop Child A, giving him the sensation of being buried like a dead person.
Blisters on the hands of Child B from all that shoveling, heatstroke, lawsuits for digging on other people's property, the mound on top of Child A could potentially become a tripping hazard for pedestrians.
Your child calls to inform you that he won't be home in time for dinner because he is "buried alive in dirt like a dead person".
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
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