Dear Jonathan Silverman,
Hi, it's Randy Quaid! I write to you on unhappy terms, covered in sweat and fear, and sitting in... Well, seeing as the mothership has undoubtedly released the pods -- this house is surely abandoned. I pray this letter finds you intact -- or at least before the Star Whackers do. Yes, they're real. And on your 13th year of obscurity, these abominations will make you one of the Star Whacked. A quick Internet search of your name reveals that The Single Guy went off the air this cursed number of years ago... Jonathan, I don't mean to alarm you, but it's likely you're next. I know you have many questions for me, but I also have some questions for you. First, are you really a "younger, less Jew-ey version of Seinfeld," as claimed by this NBC press release? Secondly, are you still friends with that guy who played Bernie? I bet you've got a lot of great stories. He seems like he would be nice in real life. Just a regular guy.
Jonathan, I am the only one who can help you avoid your Whacking. Please send all of your jewelry (NO COSTUME) in an unmarked box to the address indicated on the enclosed piece of gum. Then eat that gum. Strength, Jonathan. Strength will be our refuse.
Dear Micro Machines Guy,
Hi, it's Randy Quaid! I write to you in a fevered state, fighting every urge to drop this missive and run screaming into the night. To put it lightly, my problems are far from "micro." Sorry, that might have been in poor taste. But it's hard to worry about such social concerns when you wake up and your newly-leased Dodge Nitro just up and disappears from the street while you're sleeping! Bit of a blessing -- I was behind on payments a good 8 months (busy running from the Star Whackers, JC Penny security guards, et cetera) -- but this only goes to show how deep their poison roots sink. If they can control the auto industry, the shining model of American productivity, who knows where the Star Whackers' corruption will spread next? My guess is Big Steel.
But do not think this problem is mine alone, Micro Machines Guy. As revealed by the many letters I have sent you in the past, the Star Whackers will soon make your life the waking nightmare mine has become. Attach to this note you will find an avocado. Peel away the juicy coating, but DO NOT eat the delicious nut inside. Instead, take note of the address on that nut, and throw it in a river. You must send $5000 to this address. I will update you on the Star Whackers' movements once I have established a sanctuary that will not notice if I sleep there overnight.
P.S. They should have kept you in Saved by the Bell as the math teacher. Lots of comic possibilities.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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