Update on Downtime
The forums are going to continually alternate between dead and alive today. They were running for a brief period of time last night, but once again they succumbed to the irresistible force of the eFront server infection. Hopefully they'll be up and running today, although I wouldn't bet my life on it. I'd bet your life on it, but not mine.
Claudia Schiffer: Computer Genius Guru Smartywoman Supreme
When you think of world famous supermodels, what images go through your mind? Voluptuous breasts? Silky legs? Smooth and creamy skin? Epcot Center? A wrecked 1986 Ford Taurus? I personally see an image of an 12-foot tall woman wearing nothing but a bathrobe, high heel shoes, and a bra made out of reinforced dental floss, but then again I often feel the need to break furniture when I orgasm, so perhaps I don't speak for the majority of my audience here.
The point I'm trying to make is that nobody in their right mind associates supermodels with high-tech computer equipment. Supermodels, generally speaking, have an intellect that rivals many elements on the Periodic Table. This isn't a bad thing by any means; all they need to have is enough patience to stand in place for nine hours while a twitchy French director barks commands at a hunched over mutant holding a large camera.
However, despite the fact that supermodels aren't known for their Earth-shattering IQ, Claudia Schiffer has decided to produce a "Palm Vx Claudia Schiffer Edition" PDA for all you tech-savvy seadogs out there. How is this different from the normal Palm Vx? For one, it's more expensive. As a result, you'll have to pay more to purchase it. That's how these things work; if the engineering team spends extra time and effort making their product more expensive, you can almost guarantee it will end up costing more. In addition to the price factor, the PDA is also blue and says "Claudia Schiffer Edition" somewhere on it. Apparently Palm believes these two factors are enough to get people buying their wonderful handheld computer, because I don't really see any other benefits to purchasing one.
This whole Claudia Schiffer thing got me to thinking, which is a rare and unusual event in itself. If somebody totally unrelated to the computer industry can launch their own personal line of PDAs, why can't I? I mean, Something Awful is like knee deep in the computer scene! For example, I often have to use a computer to update my news. I don't think anybody can get more "high tech" than that. Also one time I was screwing around with the back of my computer and got shocked by the motherboard, which means I probably even have computer electrons bouncing around inside my body right now, careening off my stomach lining and destroying everything in their path! I feel that these two qualities make me infinitely more qualified than Mrs. Schiffer to sell electronic crap, so without further ado, I'd like to introduce the Palm Vx Something Awful Edition.
As you can tell from my complex diagram involving numbers printed on top of blue circles, the Palm Vx Something Awful Edition features many remarkable... uh... features that other, more inferior Palms lack. This is because I am a revolutionary genius like that guy who created Linux, Larry or Hank whatever his name is. Let me describe the incredible characteristics of this wonderful device which will take the world by storm (and not one of those wussy storms that just rain for five minutes and quit, I'm talking about a monster storm that uproots telephone poles and throws grandma into her table of ceramic cats):
(1) The Palm Vx PLUS - Note the word "PLUS" which I added to the end to make it seem like you're getting a better deal. In reality, the only difference is that it ships with a working version of GW-Basic and Notepad has a spellcheck feature which includes the word "assface." Also note that while the screen appears to be blank, it is actually loading my forums, which are currently down. Ha ha! Zing! eFront: 0, Something Awful: 6!
(2) Extendable Weathervane with Tiny Climbing Man in Black and White - Ever find yourself in the middle of Super Bowl MXCVXCIXXVXCIII (I forgot Roman numerals, sorry) and your team is depending on you to kick the winning field goal with only five seconds left on the clock? You won't need to take a "time out" to figure out which way the wind is blowing any more because the Extendable Weathervane with Tiny Climbing Man in Black and White will instantly do the job for you! To showcase our tech-savvyness here, we have also paid Jeff K. to create a program that displays what direction the wind is blowing. Unfortunately it's shipping with a few minor bugs, like the fact that regardless of which way the wind is blowing, the screen always reads "NORT". Yes, "NORT". In addition, no other programs can be run while using it. And you can't close the application. And it takes up 5 megs of space. But other than that, hell, this is just one of the most useful things ever.
(3) Easy Access to Most Phone Sex Lines - Hey, let's face it, people get lonely on long business trips. By including this feature, you will find it easier than ever to dial a 400-pound male pretending to be a 120 pound teenager! The Palm Vx Something Awful Edition also plays a comical series of musical notes when you climax, ensuring a pleasant experience every time!
(4) Deep Sea Diving Gauges From the 1920's - Ever accidentally drop your PDA into a large body of water and lose all track of it? Well with the Deep Sea Diving Gauges From the 1920's you will accurately know how deep your PDA has sunk! Of course you have to be standing within one foot of the PDA to read the dials, the Palm Vx isn't waterproof, and this doesn't help you at all in recovering it, but that's the price you pay for modern technology.
(5) Police Siren - A PDA is simply an expensive fashion accessory to most people -- just a tool to make them look more intelligent. However, with these devices getting smaller and smaller, it's becoming more difficult for people to notice you own a PDA and are in fact very smart. Our new Police Siren changes all that! Upon booting up your Palm Vx Something Awful Edition, the siren immediately turns on and starts flashing, shrieking, and generally letting everybody within a six-mile radius know you've got a PDA! Optional accessories include a gun which shoots people who don't pay attention to you.
(6) Wheelbarrow - Need more room to hold your lipstick, wallet, cash roll, or condoms? Well instead of taking up space, this PDA brings you EXTRA space! Store up to 80 pounds of material in the Palm Vx Wheelbarrow! Comes with a little fat white child inside, but you can ask him to leave. We just don't recommend manually taking him out, as he's covered with some weird goo and once attempted to bite our engineers.
(7) Device That Measures (Something) From 0 to 100 - We're not sure what exactly this is monitoring, but it's probably something very important. Our tech team just said that if the needle gets above 90, you should instantly drop the PDA and start running away as fast as you can. He also said you should do the same thing if the needle is below 90.
(8) Washing Machine - I've noticed that sometimes I'll put on a clean shirt in the morning, and then by the afternoon it will be covered in dirt and animal remains! Since I'm always mobile and "on the go", I simply don't have the time to saunter to the nearest laundromat and clean my soiled clothing. Well fear no longer, as a fully functioning washing machine ships with every Palm Vx Something Awful Edition! It's like having a fully functioning washing machine... in the PALM PILOT of your hand! Ha ha! The marketing team took nine weeks to think of that line!
(9) LED Basketball Scoreboard - Keep track of your two favorite basketball teams, "Home" and "Guest", with this remarkable new device. It can also record scores from other teams, but we're not sure how.
(10) Holometabolous (Larva) Diagram - Next time one of your smartass friends comes up and starts trying to bust your chops about a Megaloptera's anatomy, you'll be prepared. Our Holometabolous (Larva) Diagram is etched on a marble block which weighs around 20 pounds, making it the perfect weapon to smash him in the face with. Besides, anybody who publicly starts discussions about insect anatomy probably deserves to be hurt.
This concludes the whirlwind tour of the brand new Palm Vx Something Awful Edition PDA. I hope you're as excited as I am (although hopefully you've taken less narcotics). If you're interested in ordering one for you or your loved one, you can click the link below. It won't really do you any good, as there's no ordering information on the page linked, but you can click it anyway. That's your right, man.
Hot News: "Bitboys and Rambus Merge to Form 'Laughingstock Industries Ltd."
Once again, when news breaks, SA is here to pick up the shattered remains and assemble them into a form that can probably get us sued. In today's "hot off the presses" story, SA has learned that graphics card manufacturer Bitboys and memory chip firm Rambus have joined together to form the ultimate butt of all tech industry jokes: "Laughingstock Industries Ltd.":
"The XBRSN1-283SMFZZ-ULTRAX-II is a revolutionary new product which takes our engineering strengths, ludicrous hardware specs, and bald-faced PR lies, and combines them into one product that will revolutionize the graphics industry as you know it. Our XBA2 engine will allow a 64 mega-textel pipeline that can support a memory bandwidth of over 200 GB / sec. Game designers will finally be able to take advantage of 512-bit color and program their titles for not only 3D applications, but one step better. Yes, that's correct, our card will be the first to support 4D programming as well. You can actually finish coding a program before you even start working on it!"
It's hot! It's news! It's something awful!
Steamy ROM Pit Action: Gundam Wing: Endless Duel Review
The ROM Pit has been updated two days in a row? Say it ain't so! Of course all the Anime nuts out there will probably foam at the mouth knowing that somebody thought a Gundam Wing product wasn't exactly the pinnacle of genius, but Anime nuts seem to get bent out of shape when anybody other than them even mentions Anime.
The most homoerotic cartoon on television is now a seizure-inducing fighting game for your SNES. Will it make you hit on other boys in gym class? No, but it'll probably make you bump up against them a lot as you're staggering around with blackened pits where your eyes used to be. With all the scantily-clad prettyboys and flashing orange lights, you won't know whether you're shuddering in horror or spastically convulsing. You'll probably want to have an autoinjector full of thorazine handy while you're playing this.
Bjørnar B.: The Man, The Myth, The Legend
Bjørnar B. has updated his site with a couple new drawings and a question asking if anybody would be interesting in buying a shirt that features cultural icon "Fat Uncle Jubalon" sitting on Donald Duck. Anybody who says "no" is a horrible monster and I pray for your death. Witness the genius of Bjørnar B.!
Taco Helps You (Something Something Something)
Taco the Wonder Dog has added a new Flash cartoon called "Raisin Time at the Gas Station" in addition to putting up a tutorial that instructs you how to do, well, something. Like usual, I'm taking my best guesses at figuring out what exactly is supposed to be going on here.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.