Before I get to today's news, let me address a couple of important issues, which may or may not be important to you. They're important to me, and near my heart, and that's all that matters.

If you have a Something Awful email account through the Evil Email service, it should be working within a day or two. I screwed up the mail server's MX address when SA was in transitional mode to the new server, and I accept full responsibility for it. Don't email Chet asking about the service, because he had nothing to do with the situation and has no control over it. I botched the entry, and yes, I am a horrible monster and I pray for death. Feel free to send all your colorful words and insults to my email address, whereupon I shall react by hanging myself from a crude noose I fashioned from my small intestines.

If you're having any problems viewing the site (or experiencing any technical difficulties), email me as well. SA appears to be having some weird background graphic bug on the right column (for IE 5.5), and I can't seem to figure out why. If your browser shows the right column to be misaligned and has a black line running down the middle of it, drop me a line and hopefully I can figure out why it's doing this. Oh, if only I was smarter...

The forums are up and in magnificent working order. Once again, I'd like to thank radium for fixing the server and allowing them to function properly. He's like the smartest man in the world or something. Anyway, head on over to the forums sometime and check them out.

Look at all the Earth-shattering news we missed when I was busy contemplating suicide over SA's redesign!

Monolith releases one of the most horrid screenshots in the history of mankind - Dear God, if this is any indication of the final product, I'm going to go and break every single graphics card I own that can handle colored lighting. Who ever knew that space could be so FLAMINGLY HOMOSEXUAL?

Lawyers for Nintendo threaten to sue everybody - The crack Nintendo legal team, who took time off from robbing schoolchildren and beating the elderly, have decided to start using their free time to sue "pornographic" websites which seem to lack any pornography. Of course the webmasters don't have the time or money to get a lawyer and fight for them, so Nintendo wins by default. Just another day in America, the land of big lawyers.

3DFX will make your penis grow - Keeping with their public message of "buying an inferior video card will result in hot sluts wanting to have oral sex with you", 3DFX is now offering a contest which will allow one lucky bastard to party at Mardi Gras with the Playboy models. The promotion is sponsored by GOD Games and Daily Radar, so I can't really express my utter surprise and amazement there. I feel especially sorry for the Playboy girls that have to hang out with the winner.

PLAYBOY MODEL:"So, are you having a good time at Mardi Gras, {TMX} sHrEdD4R?"
{TMX} sHrEdD4R: "Gah wo-woman in life, no porn woman, real life woman, gahhhh."
PLAYBOY MODEL: "What's that?"
{TMX} sHrEdD4R: "TITS"

100,000 scooters recalled by manufacturer - The "Kent Kickin' Mini Scooter", which is popular for both its intensely stupid name and intensely stupid look, is recalling around 100,000 of its scooters. Apparently the handlebars have a nasty tendency to fly off, causing the moronic kids riding them to fall down and realize exactly how dumb they must've looked on a scooter to begin with. This scooter craze is almost as embarrassing a fad as the "Pogoball" phase was back in the late 80's. The side benefit is that more children are being injured, so you've got to take the good with the bad.

Everquest guide snaps and kills characters - Hey, if you're going to go, go all out.

Since it's Christmas, which is traditionally the season of giving, or the witching season, or the season of the wolf or whatever, I thought it would be appropriate if I posted up a guide to pets. Many people out there are looking for an animal companion to provide company when the going gets rough and lonely, and, like always, Something Awful is here to help you out. Check out the guide for information like the following:

Kids like dogs because they're friendly, playful, and energetic; just like children. Many kids find it fun and ticklish to allow their dog to lick them on the face with the same tongue that the pet uses to sample the various obscene liquids floating around in your toilet bowl. Think about it this way: if you own a dog, every time you take a crap, you're taking a crap on your children's faces. Keep this in mind next time you think about purchasing a dog. Or a kid.

Hey -- we're here to help, and we derive mass amounts of joy from this help. So please, go and wallow in our love.

Internationally renowned artist Bjørnar B. has done it once again, providing us with the most high quality artistic masterpieces to ever grace mankind. I mean, just look at this!

D. duck scared to death when he noticed that it is not Santa Claus that comes down the chimney but dangerus snakes and electricity eals.

He's got so many new drawings up, I don't even know where to begin. Trust me, neither will you. Head on over and figure it out for yourself.

Wow That's Amazing! has a new informative article up entitled, "The Pope - The Evilest Pope In the World!!! 666!!!" As the name would imply, it has something to do with the Pope. As usual, I'm not exactly sure what it has to do with the Pope, but I'm sure it's something infinitely wonderful. Maybe you can figure out what.

Taco the Wonder Dog has a cartoon entitled "Paper Cut!" Either I'm going insane or my hosted sites are, because I'm at yet another loss to explain this. Maybe I just need some sleep... a long, long sleep. Read it and weep, ladies.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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