This article is part of the The Great Authors Series series.
The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger
Avarice dooms them to labor for eternity. With their chests they wheel great weights, one into the other, creating a thunder of clashing stones and a clammor as they cry out, "This burger is money!"
The Mayor of Flavortown Burger
From beneath the dark Styx look out the joyless eyes of the sullen, to witness and never exult upon the fury which transpires upon the surface. The wrath of rulers in constant battle, each inflicting and suffering in equal portions, to ordain oneself the ruler of Flavortown, a savory summit never climbed.
The Mac + Cheese Bacon Burger
The burger that conquered New York City's Burger Bash 2013. Violence and chaos overwon and macaroni eternal steeped in Phlegethon the boiling river of blood, for bash you may, upon those banks centaurs patrol and when bacon flops upon the shore it is quickly met with arrows and submerged once more forever.
Tatted-Up Turkey Burger
God granted the turkey but one flesh of which defilement makes an undoing of heresy. To be entombed in flaming grills among the Epicureans, so seared for that belief in fleeting life above all else, a lesson learned in scorching lines tattooed upon their bodies, as rad as Guy's ink.
Guy's Cheesecake Challenge
Ascend as I not with Virgil from beneath the undergloom of the miserable mountain called Purgatory but instead with rockin' fruit sauce out from the desert of cravin' to climb this cheesy peak and so plunge with glee into the the freezing misery of the 3rd Circle.
Fried Ice Cream Boulder Sundae
Dare you offer gold to Saint Peter? Simony, that temptation of those who rule the church as a brothel, to be thrust into this crunchy crust of fried ice cream. Carbuncles of corruption drenched in chocolate, Popes I will not honor by name to be burned by the soles of their feet and denied any mercy.
Still hungry for more? Try Zack's Facebook page for recipes straight from Bolgia.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Famous authors of renown and infamy find new inspiration when unexpected sponsors pay them to write. Not even death can stop them!