I think you have what it takes to make some connections in this biz. What biz? The biz of burgers. You think it's all about flipping them? You're only showing your hamburger ignorance. That's the paradigm you need to assimilate: learn how much you don't know about burgers.

There are a lot of people competing for hamburger jobs in this hamburger economy. Do you think successful hamburger firms just hire anyone that walks in off the street? If you want to work for one of the big boys you need at least a business degree. Or you can work as an intern and get to the know business from the inside.

I can't pay much, as an unpaid intern technically you won't be paid at all, but I pay it well. It's called hamburger coupons. Legally it qualifies as scrip, so I have to drop it on the floor and then you can pick it up after I leave the room and use it as found hamburger coupons.

Oh, free bacon on your next five deluxe burgers? How did these fall out of my pocket?

Look, I know you have big dreams. You want to start your own business. You want to "do something with your life" and you think working at a hamburger firm is just for kids these days. You'd be surprised to learn that the average age of employees at my hamburger firm is 33. These are professionals. Tom, my assistant vice president of sauces, has an engineering degree and just had his third kid. We gave him Sunday morning off to see his baby and everything.

I can see you're thinking about it. You want to join a business that is on the rise. Let me tell you a little bit about your hamburger responsibilities if you decide to join my team.

1. Management of Custodial Equipment - You will need to facilitate and manage ground floor applications of custodial equipment on toilets, floors, grease traps, and dumpsters. Learn about our commitment to the environment by identifying and removing chewing gum from underneath tables. Amplifying your green understanding (greenderstanding) will make you an attractive asset to any employer.

2. Creative Marketing Assistant - You will be required to apply yourself as a marketing assistant by removing and adding vinyl signage to the inside of windows and writing copy for the board underneath our sign. Creative is an increasingly valuable asset for a think-forward business model in the 21st century.

3. Customer Satisfaction Guarantor - Your responsibility will include listening to and acting on the concerns of our paying customers regarding discontinued menu items, the unfairness of breakfast serving time, the lack of mayonnaise, unwanted mayonnaise, and various other condiment concerns. You will rely heavily on your judgment, giving you the freedom to resolve these conflicts, but also demanding you satisfy every customer. Dealing with customers will cultivate transportable skill sets for your future employment portfolio.

4. Fluid Engineer - Understanding, monitoring, and servicing the various fluid systems of our firm will be one of your most important duties. Keep track of our cola levels, fry oil levels, and ketchup levels at all times. Topping off these liquids is the sort of knowledge-add that can help you in almost any business and looks great on a CV.

Our business is an intern-oriented model. We service the education of up-and-coming hamburger experts, helping to refine their skills for a competitive marketplace, and they help us provide a constant stream of people we can use to realize our hamburger potential.

Think about it. What other options do you have? You think Gawker is still taking interns? Good luck. Are you lazy millenials going to sit around and wait for opportunity to come looking for you or are you going to make opportunity for yourself through hard work? Play your hamburger cards right and one of these days you may be a VP of drive thru.


If you are an eager millenial ready to work long hours for no pay, you can seek more information on Zack's hamburger themed Facebook page.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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