Acquire a solid block of Italian marble that's slightly larger than your ideal standing desk size.
Using a sculptor's tools, chisel away all the pieces that aren't a standing desk. In about ten minutes you should be left with a standing desk.
Create a mold of this marble standing desk, then throw away the marble standing desk. Blend a bunch of trees until they are a thick paste. Pour them into the standing desk-shaped mold that you created. Allow this to dry overnight.
Purchase a standing desk.
Take a hand axe and chop off a really big part of each leg. Don't worry about measuring. Somewhere around halfway down each leg will be fine. This is a very imprecise step, and there are sure to be a lot of broken chunks of wood. You might even lose a finger or loved one. Trust the process.
Now apply some carpenter's glue to the spots that you hacked apart. Put the bottom half of each leg back roughly where it had been before. Allow to dry overnight.
Ensure your little ones are safe and relatively poison-free with the following tips designed to keep them healthy, outside of their teeth and blood sugar levels.
Oh, you idiot. Don't do this. It's the worst idea anyone has ever had. Have you forgotten what an ordeal it was the last time you moved?
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