To whomever it may concern (but mostly you, the asshole,)
Please accept my two week notice to your HBO GO account. Realize that I am doing so out of protest, but given your recent complaints and unwarranted password changes, I understand that it is not up for discussion and that you are a spineless, backstabbing bastard. We had a good run, "friend." Remember the good times: the Game of Thrones marathons, the many nights of changing the channel when Real Time with Bill Maher came on. It all seems tainted now by your greed and selfishness. So goodbye. Two weeks should allow me enough time to finish Oz before leaving forever.
If you'd stop playing the moral highroad for just one minute, you'd realize that we're a great team and that I was doing you a favor. All you ever did was watch reruns Arli$$. That's pathetic. Your account would have never reached its full potential without my dedicated "leeching." You need me. I mean, that late night soft-core stuff doesn't watch itself, buddy. But do you care? Did you ever give a thank you hug or a friendly breakfast in bed? No. All you do is complain and say "Waah, stop stealing my paid account!" or "Boo-hoo, my girlfriend sees all the porn you que up!" or "I'm a scaredy-cat afraid of being banned by my ISP!"
Well no more! This is the end of a great thing that only happens once in a lifetime. It's like when Wings broke up (the band and the hit NBC show) or Reba went off air, which, FYI, is not on HBO GO anyway. In two weeks, I'll be back to checking out scratched DVDs from the library. Or worse yet, I'll be searching YouTube for ten minute snippets in 480p. And when people talk about the latest episode of Eastbound and Down and I have no idea what's going on, realize that you're responsible. I hope you're happy.
You might think you've won, that you've defeated the lowly peasant, but realize that I am not alone. For what I lack in HBO GO, I makeup tenfold with numbers. Though I revoke my own use, I cannot speak for the dozens, perhaps hundreds that I have shared your account info with. You might stop pathetic old me, but there are more of us than there are of you. I've given it to friends, bosses, and drunks passed out in their own sick. I've given it to first dates and muggers, and I regret nothing. Right at this moment, your account is simultaneously watching seven unique shows featuring Ricky Gervais. There are so many people signed in as you that someone might actually be watching Six Feet Under even though in hindsight that show was really, really boring. There I said it.
So take it, dick. It's been a pleasure, but what do I care? Have your HBO GO and enjoy it all on your lonesome, but understand one thing, and I want to be clear here, I'll carry your HuluPlus and Netflix with me to the grave.
Can you tell which is which?
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
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