Can I name my Dog of the Month?
For your convenience, all Dog of the Month Club dogs come pre-named.
What if my dog shows up damaged or dead?
Simply return the remains of the dog in the provided shipping box, and we'll rush deliver you a new dog. Plus, we'll even credit your account with a bonus month absolutely free.
What if I don't like a dog?
You can return any unwanted dog in the provided container. Unless the dog is physically or mentally defective, you will be billed for the full month.
What if a dog doesn't like me?
Our dogs are trained professionals. They want the same thing you want: companionship without any messy long-term commitments.
What if I want to keep my dog?
At this time we cannot allow any members to keep a dog for longer than 30 days. If you wish, you can request additional copies of the same make and model of dog for future months.
What if a dog gets sick?
We offer an insurance policy for an additional $24.99 a month per dog. This will cover the cost of any injuries or health problems should you decide to keep the dog for the full month instead of returning it for a replacement.
I accidentally sent the wrong dog back
All returned dogs are disposed of in our safe, humane recycling center. If you accidentally sent the wrong dog, such as a neighbor's dog, it cannot be recovered. However, you can refer your neighbor to us and receive one free month as a token of our gratitude.
Do you offer any packages larger than the Hoarder?
At present we are diligently working to secure more dogs. Soon we will be offering an Executive Hoarder package, which would include 24 dogs a month.
Will I become sad meeting so many dogs, yet never being allowed to grow fully attached?
No. Due to the law of diminishing marginal utility, you can only enjoy a dog for so long. We have determined that 30 days is the perfect amount of time necessary to enjoy a dog. Any longer and it is inevitable that you will grow tired of the dog, souring your overall experience.
What if I'm allergic to dogs?
We also offer both a Reptile of the Month Club and a Fern of the Month Club.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.