Mr. Wilson can assign homework, but the douche bag can't make you do it, you think, cracking your first Natty Light. You down it, then another, then another, then another, and now you're out of beer. You start heading down towards your car to get more, but your roommate stops you. "Don't worry, I'm cool." You tell him. He makes you say it again before giving you ten bucks. He needs more beer too.
You make it about fifteen feet in your car before sideswiping an entire block of SUVs and rusted out Hondas. Focus, you think, stopping the car. If you do that again, you'll get caught by a pig. Just relax. You turn up Asher Rosh, smile when he says how cool college is, and then hit the gas, immediately driving your car into an oncoming minivan. Fuck this.
You put it in park and get out while the driver of the van opens her door and falls to the ground.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
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