Strategy and Features
You folks can take your blast processing this and your force feedback that and stick ‘em in your sweet pentunia! The beautiful simplicity of electric football cannot be recreated by any of your modern supercomputers or large, intelligent refrigerators. Although the technology used to power electric football – giant tubes which would often increase household temperatures 50 to 60 degrees and make housepets dangerously violent – was once harmful, in these modern times it’s never been easier to vibrate a large sheet of metal! And in the off-season, mom or Girlfriend Sally will have loads of fun with many of the game board’s optional uses, such as “pick up the moving quarter without using your hands!”
|PROTIP: Don’t play electric football using your mouth! You'll find it much more fun to use your hands- and it will lead to far fewer moments of doubting your sexual identity!|
Is it real, or is it electric football? Your guess is as good as mine! (ANSWER: ELECTRIC FOOTBALL)
|PROTIP: Contrary to popular belief, plays do not last 30 minutes. Without commercial interruption and dancing CGI Gatorade molecules, most plays in actual games last a mere ten seconds! Keep this in mind, as it will allow you to play hundreds, if not thousands of games in a single weekend!|
|PROTIP: Cheat code: Remove power source from electric football during player two’s turn. Warning: can only be used once.|
As you can see, every game of Keith Jackson’s Pro Electric Football 1958 is more varied than Terry Bradshaw’s complex albino DNA! Folks, the man has a tail with a hand on the end of it.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.