Welcome! Thank you for attending the board's annual review and planning meeting. I know you are all very busy men, so if we can just take a few moments to get settled we can begin.
Kojikuro, how is your niece? Still lithe, chirpy, and sexually curious, I hope. Very good. She always reminded me of a beautiful songbird with a lady part.
Daisuke, yes, the robots will be bringing more coffee at the halfway point, so if you could…yes, thank you.
Gentlemen, thank you again for attending. We must address the failures of Fushitsu in the year 2007 and focus on preparing for 2008. You have all seen the sales reports for our American division, if not it's in the goldenrod binder in front of you. Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the figures.
Sales of our adhesive amusements are down across the board in the United States. We continue to have zero-growth in the Colorforms sector, but more distressing are the declines we are seeing among several of our main product lines. Chief among these are the adhesive ribbons. Magnetic ribbons, down 78% since 2007 and permanently-adhesive ribbons continue their downward movement, shedding a further 22% in 2007.
To put it bluntly, we have been hemorrhaging ribbon sales since 2005. We must face the reality that Americans no longer support their own troops.
Kojikuro's ribbon research division had some success experimenting with incorporating various American flag designs into ribbons, but these were only a stopgap measure that got us through the first quarter. Sales among our various flag/troops ribbons are following a similar trend line to our yellow ribbons.
Daisuke, Osamu, your pink and red ribbons are also losing sales. Morasui, your reflective orange ribbon seemed to confuse and frighten consumers in the United States. We will be discontinuing it in 2008 and selling off our remaining stockpiles to a militia group in Sudan.
We must face the reality that all of our current product lines are in decline. 2007 was a bad year for Fushitsu, but there is no reason that 2008 must be the same.
Gentlemen, for the future hope of Fushitsu I would like to call attention to our all-time bestselling product line: Urinating Mischief Child.
Urinating Mischief Child, in all its incarnations, did something no other decal has done before or since...it created a recognizable branded character for the rear windows of American vehicles. True, UMC was so similar to a preexisting branded character that we were forced to pay out 87 million dollars, but that is beside the point. The point is revenue, and over his 11 year run UMC generated US 9 billion in sales.
UMC was instantly popular and provided longterm stability by remaining resistant to market saturation. Fushitsu offered over 800 different items onto which UMC could urinate, some sold as separate decals and other incorporated into the urination.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.