This article is part of the Fur Trapper Saga series.
Your Delighted Host & Unparalleled CarnivoreGreetings to you, my fellow American Carnivore. I am pleased and delighted to bring you another edition of my celebrated periodical, the most spirited tribute to the healthy and unabated consumption of all living beasts.
There have been a fair number of developments since the previous edition of this publication last graced your meat-stained hands. As you may recall, I challenged my faithful readers to acquaint me with a new meat. In an unfortunate twist of fate, it turns out the winning entry was not entirely foreign to me.
It was only through the combination of heavy wood smoke and various greases used to maintain a bowling alley that I did not instantly recognize the meat as being orphan. In spite of great effort on my part, I have not been able to discern the exact woods and bowling alley greases used, so I have been unable to recreate the recipe to satisfaction.
Remarkably, there is still great stigma around the consumption of orphan, and I want to go on record in stating this to be entirely unnecessary. A noble man of my standing should not be subjected to scorn for providing Purpose to the lowly orphan. If this nation is to be taken seriously we must cast off these antiquated chains of superstition and taboo. We are above beasts, this is true, but we ourselves are made of the same delicious materials. I know this firsthand, for I have tasted my own arm on occasion, and eaten everything doctors have excised from me.
As the challenge was not actually met, I have asked the winner, Captain H. W. Grieves, to return the money. He has agreed to do this, on the grounds I continue his employment. I am still uncertain what task it is he performs on my behalf, but he assures me it is honest work deserving of honest pay.
Thus, I would like to announce to all readers that the $1,000.00 challenge is open once more. If you believe you are in possession of a meat unknown to me, please mail it to me immediately. I remind all readers that I have sampled virtually every beast this world has to offer. You will have to scour the darkest and most remote corners of the Earth if you intend to surprise me and win the cash reward. Perhaps together, we shall finally discover the Great Untasted Meat.
That business aside, let us get to the delectable heart of the matter: my continuing efforts to catalog and describe all the meats I have eaten. Here we shall explore six more creatures that have passed through my bowels and into legend.
~ The Wolf ~
If you fancy the taste of dog but yearn for something with a stronger bite, the wolf is your meat. Due to questionable breeding decisions, many of today's dogs are smaller than ever, offering the hungry man little sustenance. The wolf has been spared the indignity of miniaturization and remains a sturdy, respectable beast. I recommend eating as fresh as possible, cooked to the bare minimum in its own juices.
~ Koala Bear ~
Do not be mistaken: this is no bear. The brown, black and polar bears of the world offer hardy portions. Any one adult bear of those variety could feed a full-grown man such as myself for as many as two square meals. The koala is in fact a rank little tree monkey, similar in appearance and taste to a child's stuffed toy after pickling. If you share my commitment to sampling all meats, I recommend taking no more than a few bites from the koala, then discarding the rest.
~ Star-nosed Mole ~
Although the mole in general is about as appetizing as manure, the star-nosed mole was significantly perplexing and whimsical as to capture my curiosity. I am saddened to report this most unusual variety offers no more satisfying a meal than its less interesting ilk. That captivating nose tentacles were rubbery and rotten, an anathema to even the most resilient of constitutions. Disappointed, I ended up feeding the leftover meat to my faithful coonhound, then eating him after he had sufficient time to digest.
~ Guinea Pig ~
These are small little things for sure, with scant few morsels upon their bones. Skewer them, roast them, then consume. A reasonably sized man will require between fifteen and twenty guinea pigs to be fully sated. The meat is not unlike the dark meat of your typical fowl.
~ Tapir ~
Tapir makes for a pleasant substitute for beef, and is thus not as exotic as one might expect. The snout is the most delectable cut, and indeed I tend to eat only the snout and discard the rest.
One unfortunate downside to eating tapir is that you may not dream for some months afterwards, and when they finally return they can be quite dark and unsettling.
~ Monarch Butterfly ~
Butterflies may seem a strange thing to eat, but one can make a meal of them provided one has access to a considerable supply. The monarch butterfly in particular is known to migrate to Mexico, where the intrepid carnivore can feed upon a seemingly endless bounty. They flock with such abundance one only needs to open his mouth and the dull creatures will fly straight in. I was able to stand near motionless, moving only jaw and stomach muscles, for several hours consuming one mouthful of butterfly after another. My accountant, who accompanied me on the pilgrimage and served as witness, estimated my meal at approximately 7,500 butterflies. I trust his numerical accuracy in all matters, as his zest for math rivals my zest for meat.
May this knowledge feed your mind's hunger and inspire future meals, my fellow Carnivores. Never forget -- the animal kingdom is your larder!
With great pride & hunger for success,
Eugene Cranford Fouke,
Proud American Carnivore
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
The esteemed P. B. Fouke, villainous J. F. Swanton and technocratic blowhard A. P. Brown battle for fur market supremacy in this series of old-timey dispatches.