Far away from the din of protestors clashing with Chicago police, world leaders gather in the main hall of McCormick Place for the meeting of NATO officials and heads of state. Despite the isolation from the concerns of those marching in the street, NATO Secretary General Anders Rasmussen has set aside two hours of Monday's agenda to discuss the various concerns of protestors.
"Ja, hallo ladies und gentlemen, thank you. We are have portioned some time today to discuss the concerns of the protestors outside as put forward by their signs. It is my hope that we can work together with them, coming to some sort of consensus to resolve these problems. I have prepared some slides."
"Ja, okay, we have guitar dancing man, he is having good time and this is important, und he has a simple message: STOP NATO. Could we do this? Any interest? Perhaps we slow down our procedures some? Okay, let us put a pin in that one and circle back."
"Here is a baby. Cute fellow. And mit him is a sign saying 'NATO NEEDS WAR! WE NEED VEGETABLES!' What do you think about this? Perhaps we give them vegetables? I don't know how many, maybe some raddish und a carrot. Look in the catering truck. Get some crisper lettuce. Oh, you know what I like, the pre-shred lettuce for taco. Easy solution. Next."
"Hm, okay, ja. 'Nuclear Free equals climate justice.' Any thoughts? Ja, I know we are a defense alliance, but maybe we could think about in the future when you get ready to build a nuclear power plant, instead you build a coal plant. Or better yet you build water wheels. You like that? Put this in a river or a creek. One hundred thousand water wheels equals one nuclear plant. You can do it."
"This one is a little hard to see. It says: 'NATO: Too much armor, too little brains. Extinction welcome.' Und there is a little sassy dinosaur creature with a pistol. No, I do not think she wants extinction of people, I think she means extinction of NATO. Too much armor. This is clear enough. We should have less body armor for our soldiers. From some take away helmets und from others take away bullet vests. Ja? Okay, moving on..."
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.