You're receiving this memo because we've noticed that you haven't been following certain store rules. Our rules are important for maintaining a friendly atmosphere for our guests and a healthy and productive working environment for our team. Please review the following incidents and reflect on how you could've handled them better; we hope that you'll improve your performance and no further action will be needed.

4/3
Trying to use your employee discount with food stamps (ineligible per line 312 of your contract), claiming you can't afford to feed your family working here, even though there was an employee pizza party that day and team members were encouraged to take home leftovers.

4/7
Killing a sale by telling a guest that Dr. Weird's Wacky Halloween Hairspray is banned by the EPA.

4/9
Taking a workplace diversity survey other than our own, where the correct answers are marked with bullseyes.

4/12
Telling guests that they don't need to buy new smartphones every month despite ads featuring Snoop Dogg and Pitbull telling them they do, and that the perceived obsolescence of their phones - since they're different sizes and colors than this month's models - is just a marketing ploy by global corporations, who thrive on overconsumption, so they can continue raping the developing world in ways that not even woman-hating rappers would approve of.

4/14
Refusing to remove bumper stickers from your car that might have possibly offended the anti-gay republican candidates we donate to.

4/15
Wearing a shirt that sounded like the name of a charity ("Save Ferris") in the parking lot, despite our ban on charities in front of our stores.

4/25
Organizing a union to play Call of Duty after work.

4/27
Riding your bike to work to save gas and suggesting that coworkers do the same - never mind that our materials economy depends on overuse of oil - which we contribute to by creating miles of urban sprawl - and that our business needs that economy to stay viable, at least until we hit peak petroleum, at which point our stores will remodel to sell MREs and weapons for your Road Warrior car.

5/3
Refusing to take your meal breaks because we cut your hours this week by hiring a bunch of interns and you need at least 35 hours a week to get health insurance for your medical problems, which have nothing to do with the thousands of synthetic chemicals you're exposed to in our merchandise.

5/7
Asking why we need a CSI-level assets protection team to solve the theft of an Eminem CD by some teenagers, or why that team spends half its time doing free work for law enforcement as though a corporation giving huge gifts to the government is in any way suspicious.

5/12
Suggesting that a guest looking for an out-of-stock item go to Wal-Mart, since our two chains are more or less the same except we get better PR and have the Black Eyed Peas in our commercials.

– Jedidiah "Jed" Kirchner (@notoriousamoeba)

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