Some of you may be surprised to learn that running a website can be quite difficult at times. For example, every morning I have to remember how to wake up. Then I have to somehow figure out a way to transport myself from my home to the lovely Something Awful corporate offices in majestic Pleasant Hill, Missouri. The subsequent eight hours of my day involve interacting with electronic devices in various ways, thereby resulting in a wide range of results.
However, none of these seemingly impossible tasks compare to the critical goal of generating a reliable stream of income to sustain the site. We've experimented with various methods, from unique (paid forum accounts) to conventional (serving thousands of ads which infect your computers with viruses and Flash pornography of elderly women wrestling with mason jars).
Yet none of these have succeeded. Our readers use plugins and software to block our ads. And hardly anybody has bothered registering a forum account since somebody discovered the much cheaper and convenient alternative of dropping a cinder block on your own testicles.
Given our dire situation, I had no choice but to solicit advertisers with the promise of highly visible front page video ads. Unfortunately our reputation proceeded us, making it impossible for us to partner with any wealthy, popular companies. We had to instead settle on a handful of lesser known corporations and products, a majority of which paid us in Amazon cosmetic department gift certificates. So without further ado, let me fulfill my legal contract and introduce four of our newest advertisers. May god have mercy on my soul.
The 2009 Flour and Grain Expo
Hooray! It's Salad!
The Internet School for Online Education
I feel dirty.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.