This article is part of the The Great American Reach Around series.


Serdar "Galewolf" Aldanmazlar
Ankara, Turkey

Let's cut to the chase: Turkish modern music resembles dying screams of a pig impaled by a jagged spear, recent Turkish literature is all about insane conspiracy theories that even make Tom Clancy blush, according to Turkish film makers everyone in the country eventually gets cancer or anything that can lead a full theather go on rabid crying frenzy, the only "metropolitan" city is currently waiting an earthquake that can probably cause more destruction than a hydrogen bomb and reduce it to a pile of rubble.

The Turkish economy is so good that once Starwars Galaxies credits were actually more valuable than a Turkish lira. We connect to the internet by using cables made of knitting thread and pay it in sheep. Modern Turkish architecture enjoys erecting huge phallic objects right in the middle of a city, placing thermic reactors into one of a kind beaches, flooding 3000 year old ancient cities by building dams everywhere and burning Ottoman era historical houses for shopping malls. Even after our collective vandalism and irresponsibility these lands are, by far, still considered as a piece of heaven on earth.

The place currently I live, Ankara has a glorious history of being a boring hellhole, really. If you don't belive me let me remind you that Ankara is the only city not invaded by allied factions after the First World War. Brits blockaded Ýstanbul, Greeks -backed up by Brits- claimed that in the past some of their ancestors complained about disadvantages of having sex with women in Ýzmir region, so they decided to invade there. French ended up in south east only to be defeated by locals, Italians enjoyed the south beaches for a while but they decide to leave after witnessing their French buddies defeat.

Russians, at first considered attacking north east cities but then realised that we were fighting against "goddamn imperialistic pigs" for them and decided to give us a break. Frustrated by the fact of being invaded by French and Italians at the same time people of Anatolia picked up their stones and sticks (yes, after the war these are the only left in the country) and kicked out all but Greeks and British in one year. The latter two persevered but in the end they are ultimately defeated by M. Kemal Ataturk and Turkish army after a long series of battles (tough Brits retreated without a fight, leaving us with no choice but to rejoice).

As you can see, we historically don't like people invading other countries no matter how justified their cause was (let's pretend that we didn't invaded half of the known world just for the hell of it). Twenty five years ago we do enjoyed our unofficial title of "the little America" invented by our politicians. Then yanks started acting like a buch of assholes, like you know raiding our bases and putting bags on the heads of our soldiers but yet we have high hopes on US coming to its senses and stop blowing people around us or well, maybe us in the future.

Its not the political disputes or constant cockblocking that causing all this hate against USA. The greatest circlejerk ever formed is located in these lands, working and living only for inventing new ways to make Turkish people hate and fear America. I'll write about two worst examples of this circlejerk and you'll understand what i mean (hopefully).

Metal Fýrtýna, which can be translated as "a book from a talentless, half (if not totally) delusional guy" or "Metal Storm". I have to stop here and apologize to everyone because I could have stopped this unholy artifact of stupidity. I once knew the guy who wrote this book, I could have staked him in the heart while he was resting in his coffin and hosed him with holy water but I hesitated and let him go.

This book sold more than anything for 2 years. The author is a guy that wrote fantasy novels and short stories even fantasy metal songwriters define these as "nerdy". One day me and and my friends made so much fun of him, he snapped then vanished from social life, appeared on Turkish Big Brother variant then vanished again. When he came back from pits of hell, he was holding this book.

Dear god I don't even know where to start. Ok, here we go. US sucker punches Turkey and attacks from Iraq for our borax reserves because the only way you can defeat us is either sucker punching or sending chinise princesses(*) to marry our leaders. Things happen, yanks nuke capital while people are trying to carry Ataturks coffin, paratroopers land on Ýstanbul, Turkish and US generals shoot each other from helicopters, US soldiers see Turkish cavalaries in their dreams and everything ends up Turkey goddamn nuking Washington DC!.

Kurtlar Vadisi Irak (Valley of the Wolves Iraq?): This movie is what Turkish people corelate themselves as US people do with The 300. But instead of buttsexing Spartans we come up with one chubby talentless actors character which practically worshipped by retards as god and two godawful support characters. They come from a fantasy universe where a car tuner guy blows an undercover CIA agent posing as a Hezbollah agent with a bazooka and the world is ruled by Andy Garcia and Sharon Stone (god knows i wish i was joking). The movie picks up from where the main character Polat Alemdar confronts Andy Garcia and Sharon Stone by staring at them then infiltrates northern Iraq with a black SUV, caps Billy Zane along the way and blows shit up with pistols while plugging holes in US marines.

There are dozens of books and at least five movies like that are waiting in the line. My favorites are the books that make us invade USA, settle in Germany after they leave and the movie about 4 morons who end up capturing a US oil rig in Iraq.

Well, hating US is the new thing enjoyed all over the world. We just add a pinch of insanity for flavor.

*This is a joke for Turkish guys.

I hope you enjoyed this week's Great American Reach Around! If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or criticism, feel free to email me!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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