Before I delve into this update I need to make a solemn oath; this is the last update you have to read from me about Las Vegas. I know you folks are probably pretty sick and tired of hearing about how much we all hate Sin City, but man do I have something important to talk about!
I am referring to hooker cards, handed out after dark on nearly every street corner on the strip. The images on them are nearly pornographic (some definitely are) so I have linked them to keep you and me both from getting fired. Keep in mind that these things absolutely cover the sidewalks in Las Vegas, something you probably will not see in a "Beautiful Nevada" travel guide.
Hooker Card #1
Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Jennifer
Motto: "Let's have champagne on me"
What They Want You to Think: Jennifer will show up at your door in a fur coat holding a bottle of champagne. She will then pop the cork on the bottle and drizzle it down her body into a highball glass so that you can taste all of her sweat and stripper juices.
What You Really Get: Jennifer's card photo was taken almost a decade ago and since then she has really packed on the pounds. She will complain a lot if you ask for anything besides a hand job and if you want her to pour champagne on her body you're going to end up gulping lukewarm tap water that she dumps down the crack of her ass.
Comments: My immediate reaction to this card was curiosity at why I would want to pay 47 dollars to watch a woman pee in a glass. Jennifer also looks mildly retarded.
Hooker Card #2Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Unknown
Price: $47.00 for one girl, $75.00 for two, and $99.00 for three
Motto: "Totally nude direct to your room"
What They Want You to Think: One or more beautiful women, fully shaved and washed, are going to come to your hotel room and spread like mayonnaise on your bed. You will then be enticed into prodding and violating them at your leisure.
What You Really Get: One or more strippers with episiotomy scars that look like hatchet wounds and a need to take a long and loud dump in your bathroom before even taking off their tassled leather jacket. Once the clothes start coming off you're going to have to spend ten times as much money to even find out what an 800 dollar implant job feels like when you poke it with your finger.
Comments: By far the most pornographic of the hooker cards, this one includes two tiny red dots that look like bad zit graphics from an Oxy commercial and a blatantly obvious brown anus halo. I also enjoy the card's motto, as if a stark naked woman is going to show up at your door on the second floor of Caesar's Palace.
Hooker Card #3Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Angel
Price: $35.00 for one girl, $80.00 for two, and $99.00 for three
What They Want You to Think: As many as three tight-bodied blond women named "Angel" are going to arrive at your hotel room ready for a XXX romp.
What You Really Get: Angel and her two obese friends that work with her at the liquor store. Angel will chain smoke menthols and order shitty romantic comedies on your hotel account while one of the fat girls makes out with you and the other one cries in the bathroom while pretending to do her makeup. When you're about to have sex with one of Angel's friends Angel will get a call from her boyfriend on her cell phone (it has a Fifty Cent ringtone) and leave abruptly with her chunky posse in tow.
Comments: I really appreciate the fact that they bothered to print a name on the card when they also offer a service from three women. Besides that, what is with the prices? 35 dollars for one girl and more than twice as much for two? I'm no bargain hunter here but it seems like I could save ten dollars by calling twice and ordering one girl to my room.
Hooker Card #4Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Adrina
Price: $40.00 for one girl, $80.00 for two, and $99.00 for three
What They Want You to Think: Adrina is minor royalty from an Eastern European country you have never heard of. She lost her passport and now she's stuck here in the United States, forced to sell her body to try to get back to her motherland. She also really likes the sensation of a clipart watermelon slice wedged into her vagina.
What You Really Get: "Adrina" is actually one of 14 different Thai mangirls being employed at slave labor wages by the mafia. When "Adrina" offers you "the surprise finish" do not accept.
Comments: Adrina?! I think I bought four tabs of that from a gray market doctor in Tijuana. If so 40 dollars is way overpriced.
Hooker Card #5Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Unknown
Price: $47.00 for one girl, $75.00 for two, and $99.00 for three
Motto: "Totaly[sic] Nude Direc[sic] to Your Room"
What They Want You to Think: One or more dark eyed low-grade club-goth girls will show up to your hotel room to model their mercilessly unsanitary thongs. These nameless women will seduce you with their mysterious glances and bring you to a toe-curling climax with their incredible squats.
What You Really Get: A Mexican gardener with a rake and a 20 days AA chip on his keyring. He may or may not be totally nude and he might take a circuitous route to get to your room. The good news is that the sex will be spirited and last until dawn.
Comments: The motto and pricing are cribbed directly from card #2, but the spelling of the motto has been so terribly butchered that it implies dyslexia or some sort of brain lesion. Seriously, they have to give these things to a printer somewhere to make them, didn't anyone notice that roughly half of the words on the front of the card are misspelled? I'm surprised they didn't put numbers upside down or something.
Hooker Card #6Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Unknown
Price: $59.00 for one girl, $75.00 for two, and $99.00 for three
What They Want You to Think: A smiling girl next door with a fantastic ass will emerge from the glowing blue timestream to sexually service you in your hotel room. Since she is from the future she will know all kinds of futuristic sexual techniques that will amaze you.
What You Really Get: In Las Vegas the "girl next door" is probably either a Guatemalan casino maid with a mustache that makes Gene Shalet look like an eight year old girl or a puffy street trash hooker with more tattoos than teeth. Don't be surprised when you get either one of these wearing a mustard-stained tube top and a mini-skirt that looks like a belt made out of a used tire.
Comments: I like the pricing on these cards. They always start at a different number but they always end up with "three for $99.00". Somewhere out there is a hooker card that's $98.00 for one girl, $98.50 for two, and $99.00 for three.
Hooker Card #7Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Unknown
Motto: I like it here
What They Want You to Think: An almost freakishly happy girl with more hair than a great ape will arrive at your hotel room ready to show you exactly where she wants "it".
What You Really Get: A crabby stripper who takes an hour to find a babysitter for her three kids and then shows up wanting to tell you all about how her boyfriend is mean to her. If you listen politely she will try to sucker you into a hideous codependent relationship that involves unrewarding passionless sex in exchange for overpriced jewelry purchased on QVC. If you tell her to shut up and get to the sex that you're paying her for then she'll give you the worst blowjob of your life and tell her boyfriend that you raped her.
Comments: She likes it where? Where the text is? Underneath the star? I'm not even so sure that's a woman since everything about her is fake. She looks like a flesh-colored carnival caricature and I think she's wearing some sort of control device on her neck to keep her positronic brain from switching over to killdroid mode.
Hooker Card #8Click here for a full view of the card.Name: "Sweet" Savannah
Price: 2 for $99.00
What They Want You to Think: Sweet country girl Savannah and her identical twin sister Savannah will arrive in your hotel room and coyly flirt with you before double teaming you. After hours of passionate lovemaking they will present you with a freshly baked apple pie and then depart back to their farmhouse in Iowa.
What You Really Get: Savannah looks almost exactly like she does on the card. Unfortunately, it's impossible for a photograph to convey psychopathic kleptomania. Her mysterious twofer friend is a seven foot tall mute black man who carries a length of iron pipe and a spade to "resolve conflicts".
Comments: This card features the model wearing the sexiest diaper since the Huggies Thong. I also appreciate the lush greenery and straw hat as if there is some apple orchard out in the middle of the Nevada desert where strippers are picking baskets full of golden delicious and giggling about boys.
Hooker Card #9Click here for a full view of the card.Name: Chrissy
Price: $89.00 "Special"
Motto: I Love To Tease You While I Dance For You! Your Friend Can Watch Too!
What They Want You to Think: Covergirl Chrissy is going to come to your hotel and "tease" you. They want you to believe that "teasing" means "nibbling on your testicles".
What You Really Get: Of all of the cards this one is probably the closest to showing you what you're going to get. You're going to get a fairly attractive blond to come to your room and give you an uncomfortable private lap dance for almost a hundred dollars. She'll probably be tired from five hours straight on the stripper pole and rude from one too many sea breezes at the strip club bar.
Comments: "I love to tease you while I dance for you?" The kind of person who is calling a stripper and paying her to come to his hotel room is probably pretty used to being teased. "Your friend can watch too?" Yeah, me and my buddy with negative self esteem would like for you to come to my hotel room. You can stand there and call me a fat loser while he laughs at me. And what's with that pricing Chrissy? Don't you have any clones you can draft? 89 dollars for one girl is hardly "special" unless your definition of "special" includes a synonym with "fucking ripoff".
Several of the writers mentioned doing something about the stripper cards at the SA convention. Since about half of what I do here at Something Awful involves making fun of pornography, and no one else seemed particularly willing to actually follow through, I thought it was my duty to inform the world about the Las Vegas hooker cards.
More Honest Than Abe Lincoln Drunk on Truth Serum
Howdy gang, Livestock here. I'll get straight to the point, because it's very sharp and I like to cut myself. The new Photoshop Phriday is up, and it's themed around giving existing albums honest titles as opposed to some stupid or artsy title. If you think I'm some kind of liar, take a look at this image!
There are more like it! Thousands more (not really)! View them all and win a prize!
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
We were able to recently sit down and interview the men's rights icon, Jordan Peterson, in this exclusive interview.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.