There is a trend that I have been noticing with increasing frequency over the past five years. Maybe I am the only person who has noticed this, maybe I'm the only person who cares, but that doesn't mean I'm not about to waste your time with my canny observations. What it basically amounts to is that I have noticed a huge surge in the number of "Japanophiles" or "Gotunko" or something like that out there. It goes even further than that though, not only are there a lot of people who are enjoying things in Japan, they actually think what comes out of Japan and the rest of Asia is significantly better than what is being produced in America. This wouldn't be so bothersome if it were limited to one thing like "animation" or "Hentai games", but these people tend to behave as if anything shit out by the East is ten times better than its Western counterpart.
To help convince those of you who might be on the fence about this NOT to succumb to blind obsession with all things Asian, I have compiled a list of six American items and their closest Asian equivalent. Rather than judge which of these is better myself, I will simply compare features about each and let you make the call.
The Lion King
Ortomika: Son of King Rape Beast
Citizen Happy Shine Go Party
Chicago Style Pizza
Okinawa Style Pizza
In my opinion the nerd-drooling over all things Asian is a sign of a youth disaffected with today's American media. They yearn for something different and are turning to the unrelenting spew aperture of Japan, ignoring things like "story" or "good taste" in favor of those crazy letters the Japanese use and the high-pitched voices of the women featured in their movies and games. Back in my day when kids became dissatisfied with their culture's offerings they shot up schools or went on killing sprees with unrelated adult men claiming to be their father.
Oh, wait, my bad!
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That sassy wop Ben "Greased 9mm" Platt has subjected himself to one of the best movies ever made featuring Uncle Jessie from Full House. That's right, John "I should pay my wife for marketing my last name" Stamos stars in the blockbuster secret agent thriller "Never Too Young To Die" and Benji "The Hunted" Platt is reviewing it just for you! Did anyone order a side of Gene Simmons crossdressing?!
Since it was such a big hit the last time, Lance rides around to the other side of the building on his bike again. He enters Ragnar's dressing room under the guise of a fan looking for an autograph. While he's inside, Pyramid puts a small bomb on his bike. Ragnar comes on to Lance, which caused the shards of my Disturb-O-Meter to explode again, taking off the better half of my face. Lance places some more spy gum inside the dressing room, but this time it's surveillance gum. Ragnar's no fool, though. He knows surveillance gum when he sees it, and he flushes it down the toilet as soon as Lance leaves. Outside, a conveniently placed drunk tries to start Lance's bike and is blown up.
If that doesn't sound madcap enough for you I suggest you check your madcap sensors because they are obviously malfunctioning! Remember, reading this article saves you the trouble of watching this movie, so why don't you do yourself a favor? I know I did!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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