There is a trend that I have been noticing with increasing frequency over the past five years. Maybe I am the only person who has noticed this, maybe I'm the only person who cares, but that doesn't mean I'm not about to waste your time with my canny observations. What it basically amounts to is that I have noticed a huge surge in the number of "Japanophiles" or "Gotunko" or something like that out there. It goes even further than that though, not only are there a lot of people who are enjoying things in Japan, they actually think what comes out of Japan and the rest of Asia is significantly better than what is being produced in America. This wouldn't be so bothersome if it were limited to one thing like "animation" or "Hentai games", but these people tend to behave as if anything shit out by the East is ten times better than its Western counterpart.

To help convince those of you who might be on the fence about this NOT to succumb to blind obsession with all things Asian, I have compiled a list of six American items and their closest Asian equivalent. Rather than judge which of these is better myself, I will simply compare features about each and let you make the call.



The Ring

Americanized version of Japanese movie turned into a movie.

The plot centers on a video that causes people to die because of a ghost.

Creepy special effects.



Ringu

Japanized version of an urban legend turned into a movie.

The plot centers on a video that causes people to die because of a ghost.

Creepy special effects.





The Lion King

A family friendly movie about a lion cub who inherits the legacy of his father and must do battle with an evil lion and his hyena henchmen.

Some parts may be slightly frightening to children.

Spawned a number of horrible erotic furry web sites on the Internet.



Ortomika: Son of King Rape Beast

An adults only movie about the offspring of a rape monster who is summoned to earth by the fluids of sexually aroused teenage girls and who must do battle with a number of submissive school girls in an effort to return to the demon realm.

Some parts may cause permanent mental trauma to children.

Spawned five sequels and three interactive rape simulations.





Citizen Kane

Considered by many to be the greatest film of all time, this epic social commentary piece was based loosely on the life of William Randolph Hearst.

Was nearly destroyed and kept from circulation by a power-mad media mogul.

Directed by Orson Welles, who went on to a mostly lackluster career that ended with a tragic collapse into alcoholism.



Citizen Happy Shine Go Party

Completely unknown to mainstream society outside of Japan, this film was pieced together from footage shot during the movie "Basket of Baby" that has been inter-spliced with scenes of a nude woman rolling in a cake while surrounded by a shrieking audience and festive balloons.

Is often destroyed to keep it out of circulation by viewers.

Directed by Himo Atama, who went on to film seven sequels and four spin-offs including an animated series entitled "Balloon Mistake" that currently airs on Japanese network television. There are also three manga titles base off of Citizen Happy Shine Go Party.





The Sopranos

Gritty cable drama about a mob boss and his family.

Has won numerous Emmy awards and is considered one of the best shows on Television.

Has been released on DVD in three multi-volume boxed collections.



Muggaki/Muggeki! (Hello/Surprise!)

Game show in which contestant's homes are broken into by the host and crew and the inhabitants are forced to answer a series of increasingly difficult questions. For each question answered incorrectly a fish is forced into their underwear. If a fish falls out then they lose the game and have to sit in an aquarium full of custard and live eels.

Episode in which contestant was forced to bite the face off of a mouse caused McDonalds to withdraw sponsorship under pressure from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Has been released as a home game that includes a lock pick device and freeze dried fish.





Chicago Style Pizza

Thick crust deep dish pizza that was first popularized in Chicago.

Sometimes available in a stuffed form somewhat similar to calzone.

Toppings vary but include mushrooms, pepperoni, sausage, garlic, spinach, onions, and many more.



Okinawa Style Pizza

Wafer crust pizza composed of salt-pressed algae that originated in Okinawa.

Sometimes available in a liquid form somewhat similar to a bowl of chunky hog semen.

Toppings vary but include beetles, small snakes, jellyfish, human hair, rocks believed to aid digestion, cloacae effluvium from shrimp, and many more.





Halo

Story-driven and violent first person shooter in which you take on the role of "Master Chief" a gun-toting cybernetic bad ass fighting to save humanity.

Features incredible graphics and an impressive physics engine.

Sequel already in development.



Combat Rapist

Story-driven and violent 3D fighting game in which you take on the role of one of 16 different women who must battle their way through a tournament ladder in an effort to literally rape your competitors.

Features twenty-five unbelievable sound effects devoted to inserting objects into orifices and an impressive breast-sway engine.

Ten sequels already released with eight currently in development.



In my opinion the nerd-drooling over all things Asian is a sign of a youth disaffected with today's American media. They yearn for something different and are turning to the unrelenting spew aperture of Japan, ignoring things like "story" or "good taste" in favor of those crazy letters the Japanese use and the high-pitched voices of the women featured in their movies and games. Back in my day when kids became dissatisfied with their culture's offerings they shot up schools or went on killing sprees with unrelated adult men claiming to be their father.

Oh, wait, my bad!

Centralized Comedy

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AWFull House!

That sassy wop Ben "Greased 9mm" Platt has subjected himself to one of the best movies ever made featuring Uncle Jessie from Full House. That's right, John "I should pay my wife for marketing my last name" Stamos stars in the blockbuster secret agent thriller "Never Too Young To Die" and Benji "The Hunted" Platt is reviewing it just for you! Did anyone order a side of Gene Simmons crossdressing?!



Since it was such a big hit the last time, Lance rides around to the other side of the building on his bike again. He enters Ragnar's dressing room under the guise of a fan looking for an autograph. While he's inside, Pyramid puts a small bomb on his bike. Ragnar comes on to Lance, which caused the shards of my Disturb-O-Meter to explode again, taking off the better half of my face. Lance places some more spy gum inside the dressing room, but this time it's surveillance gum. Ragnar's no fool, though. He knows surveillance gum when he sees it, and he flushes it down the toilet as soon as Lance leaves. Outside, a conveniently placed drunk tries to start Lance's bike and is blown up.

If that doesn't sound madcap enough for you I suggest you check your madcap sensors because they are obviously malfunctioning! Remember, reading this article saves you the trouble of watching this movie, so why don't you do yourself a favor? I know I did!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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