I Always Hated "Herbie, the Love Bug".

This car will get all the chicks! Or at least the Japanese guys who look like chicks! HUZZAH!That shit stain of a Volkswagen, Herbie, just exuded the sort of family-friendly cheeriness that I absolutely loathe. He would beep merrily along helping out and causing some sticky situations with his wacky hijinx. When I use the phrase "sticky situations", I mean "fucking retarded slapstick idiocy". To summarize; I hated that damn car, I hated its damn beeping, and I hated those damn movies.

In the unlikely event that you're still reading following my scandalous anti-Herbie sentiments, I'd like to explain myself. You see, the only things I find more insane and puzzling than an adorable thinking sass car are Japanese consumer trends. Lately the Japanese have been churning out little robot dogs and cats and chimps and whatnot like they're going out of style. This trend has taken a turn for the worst with the most recent edition to this long list of companion robots; a happy thinking car. Alas, I am not joking, in their overall scheme to turn the islands of Japan into a chirping robotic paradise where a hug from a giant synthetic ape is right around every corner, Sony and Toyota have created the "pod".

A new vehicle developed by Japan's Toyota Motor Corp and electronics giant Sony Corp (news - web sites) will smile, frown and cry, not to mention take your pulse and measure your sweat.

You can read the whole terrible story courtesy of Yahoo News if you're not afraid to populate your nightmares with these things.

For those of you too lazy to read the article, let me give you a quick rundown on the features for this dream machine:

  • If you get close to it the car smiles.
  • If you have a flat tire the car cries.
  • The "pod" has an antenna on the back that wags like a tail.
  • If you get pulled over by the police the car will act drunk and you can tell the cop that you were driving it home.
  • The car will tell your girlfriend that it left the lipstick smears on your collar.
  • The "pod" will growl menacingly at other cars and then yelp and place antenna in exhaust pipe if other cars rev their motors.
  • If the car breaks down you can take it to the auto mechanic and he'll euthanize and cremate it.
  • The car is powered by eating trash and the homeless.
  • The car might hang itself if you blow two tires.
  • If you feed it once it will keep coming back.
  • The car may try to hit on teenage boys.
  • When you are feeling tense the car will spray your eyes with perfume and massage your groin with soothing unguents.

Hell yeah, those are some features to write home to mom about! I'm tired of seeing domestic cars getting their asses kicked by these no-leg-room-having imports. I want a gigantic adorable supercar born and bred in the United States. With that in mind I decided to give the US auto industry a leg up and make public my design for the "happy car". Look out "pod" because "happy car" has your fucking number and it's calling your vague and stupid name right now!

"happy car"

Reversing the "steal and miniaturize" trends of yesteryear, the "happy car" will bastardize much of its technology from the "pod" and scale it up for us big boned Americans. The seats will accommodate corpulent 400+ pound frames and feature emergency deployment bibs for the times when you just have to eat BBQ ribs while driving. The body of the car will incorporate groaning and grunting; the two sounds most commonly associated with native citizens of the United States.

It will travel at speeds of up to 300 miles per hour and get terrible fuel efficiency, but it will incorporate fake solar panels so bitchy environmentalists will have to "step off". The car will be able to sense your mood, but no matter what will spray out a perfume that approximates the scent of Federal Reserve Chairman Allan Greenspan while it plays Credence Clearwater Revival songs at a non-adjustable high volume.

No tearful car when you get a flat! The "happy car" has treads instead of tires and if you somehow throw a tread it will break a bottle and attempt to stab you in the throat. This car is proactive, none of that moping shit the Japanese love so much.

The exterior of the car will incorporate a number of design features similar to the "pod". It will have a grill molded to look like a contented smile, only to up the ante it will include a series of strobe lights that mean the party is wherever you take your "happy car". The really dopey nose thing on the "pod" will be replaced with a ball turret mounted .50 machinegun and the headlight eyes will be replaced with armored vision slits. Who needs headlights when your car body is three-inch thick steel and you're driving at 300mph?

Tired of traffic jams? My "happy car" senses your boredom and will crush offending vehicles with a 6,000 PSI hydraulic claw. The back seat folds down into a hot tub with a waterproof TV that constantly loops a video of "Caged Heat", just to get your special someone's motor running!

Exhaust worries are a thing of the past because the EPA's "E Check" does not test COAL BURNING VEHICLES! That black smoke means you're getting your money's worth!

Any of you reading this with the American auto industry, please contact me for detailed schematics. This could really be the thing to turn that economic frown upside down.

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Okay Rich, you fucking won, you crushed a boy's dream of dreams yesterday and outdid my stellar thirty Geocities links. I think you're overcompensating for sexual inadequacies, but hey, I'm not a sore loser. I'm just going to do this one little Geocities link and be satisfied with that. God, you're such a dick.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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