Straight From the Squared Circle!

Wrestler and gentleman El Pinto Grande has updated his web site with a riveting account of his recent tribulations in the ring. He would like you all to "Go to visiting the site of Yours Truly".

Oh friends the pain is gigantic. This pain is bigger than ten giant turtles from Agua Park and I am thinking his fists are made out of super hot peppers because they burn so much to my chest and groin. I am not to give up still, I am not an easy drink to put down! Like they are saying in TV commercials for extreme sporting drinks, I am not your mother's wrestling sensation!

Sounds like quite a predicament for good old El Pinto Grande, but I'm sure he didn't give up! Actually, I'm not sure, I didn't read it all, but you should!

The Geocities Massacre of the Day

Since R-Lo met with such incredible success yesterday with his exciting Geocities race of death to see which Geocities site SA traffic brought down first, I figured I would do him one better. I also decided to do this because I hate him utterly and I want him to be revealed for the fool he is. In the wonderful tradition of military massacres I am lining up thirty - count 'em - thirty Geocities sites against the wall.

=]F8L[=TRINITY'S COUNTER STRIKE PAGE - Lots and lots of big text, stupid warnings, and caps lock. Enjoy!

Laura - Laura likes stupid fucking backgrounds that look like vomit and she has a "thing" for lots of randomly placed GIFs.

The World is Square - I see someone enjoys making crappy collages of SquareSoft games and putting unreadable text over them.

John Teeple's Super Freaky Web Page - John Teeple, from hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.

Cindy's Flabulous Website - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I just stabbed out my eyes.

Moron Kid Was Too Lazy to Make a Title - I'm not homophobic but I'm fucking terrified of this kid.

??? - Thank god, this site is already pretty much broken.

DIRTYDORM! - I can't make out any of the text on this site, but I think it's safe to assume it says "USA! USA! USA!"

Counter-strike [14k] Page - Another hideous Counter Strike page complete with eye-scorching background.

I'm Not Even Going to Try to Type This Site's Title - It's so cute I want to gut myself and set fire to my entrails.

Wanwan - The menu alone on this site drives me to kill the God that put me on the same earth as Wanwan. WARNING: The joke was on us with this one. Wanwan's menu isn't just insanely stupid it also contains a virus. Don't visit this site unless you want the horror of this particular Geocities monstrosity to outlast your memory. If you've already visited it, do what I'm doing and run Housecall, a free web based antivirus. You can also get the removal file here. I apologize for subjecting you to TWO TIMES THE STUPID!

Ladie Dee's Love - Good work there Ladie Dee, that awful poetry goes great with your midi and your reflection applet! It's a paradise for the senses!

The Jewish Rap Crew - Proving once and for all that Jews and rapping are a match made in hell. Shalom mah niggaz!

Magic Dragon Clan - This roleplaying club has their shit together. Which is to say they are together. HAW HAW!

T_bone's World - California may know how to party, but T_Bone couldn't design his way out of a wet paper bag.

paladin's Botcon Report page - It's like a cosplay event only they're dressed up as normal losers instead of crazy losers. Also I think they are somehow even less attractive than cosplay goofballs.

Her Voice - Stop writing poems you fucking sow.

Scottcrew's Home Page - Considering recent legal threats from TOTALLY RADICAL web designer ALoDs, I'll just say that "Scottcrew" is one of THE BEST WEB DESIGNERS EVER!

The Chad Bryant Experience - Someone please just feed me into a wood chipper.

Divine Sword's Home Page - Just your garden variety batshit insane religious web site.

Ashley Was Too Cockstruck to Name Her Site - I think she died or something based on the phrasing on her site, but I was too busy jacking off furiously to the bouncing ducks on her site to care if she's rotting somewhere.

The Unofficial Douglas Sills Web Site - Who the Christ is Douglas Sills?

Scott Sakai Sucks - This page is funny for all the wrong reasons. BONUS: Try and spot the picture that will haunt my dreams. No, I don't know what the fuck is going on in it either.

PETES BEARDOS - Oh, so that's who Douglas Sills is! Wait, WHAT?

PIPSWORLD 2.2 - Someone needs to be shot and it isn't me. Hey, nice gaying there gayee.

Willa's Place - This woman writes poems about driving a bus. HO HO HO IT'S CHRISTMAS SHITHEADS!

Lab Ratt's Cool Homepage!! - If you like midi, explosions, and images of cartoon rats than this site is everywhere you wanna be.

GrandCross's Sonic Comics - The worst comics to feature Sonic the Hedgehog since 1954.

The alien technology of human cloning - What would a list of Awful Links be without some crazy conspiracy theory? I thought I could handle doing this but I really feel my sanity fading.

Geocities - The ultimate slumlord of the Internet. I doubt this one will succumb to our bullet of justice, but hey, it's worth a shot.

I'll try and fight my way back to coherent thought after that and keep all of you up to date on which sites have fallen beneath the deadly gaze of VISITORS! Don't say I never risk my life for you people.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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