Command has confirmed that the aircraft responsible for the unprovoked attack on our capital city belong to Rustovokia. The Rustovokians have also launched an all-out ground and naval offensive against our forces in the east.
Peacemaria's air force has consolidated on the Island of Canatania to the south, but before we can launch a counterattack against Rustovokia we must assist our forces retreating from the city.
Command has located King Goodman fleeing from the city in his exceptionally slow and fragile royal limousine. The monarch and his family must be protected at all costs.
You are to provide air cover for the royal family as they proceed southwest towards the evacuation point to Canatania. You will be heavily outnumbered, so your wingman will assist you by flying nearby and yelling over the radio every time you shoot a missile.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.