Command has confirmed that the aircraft responsible for the unprovoked attack on our capital city belong to Rustovokia. The Rustovokians have also launched an all-out ground and naval offensive against our forces in the east.
Peacemaria's air force has consolidated on the Island of Canatania to the south, but before we can launch a counterattack against Rustovokia we must assist our forces retreating from the city.
Command has located King Goodman fleeing from the city in his exceptionally slow and fragile royal limousine. The monarch and his family must be protected at all costs.
You are to provide air cover for the royal family as they proceed southwest towards the evacuation point to Canatania. You will be heavily outnumbered, so your wingman will assist you by flying nearby and yelling over the radio every time you shoot a missile.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.