The board has reviewed the research grants for this year and I thought it would be a good idea for you to have a look before we return the notices on the applications. If you want to discuss any of our decisions or would like me to pray some more on the list then just give me a call. Judy should have my number.
With God's Love,
Doctor-Pastor Hillock T. Quivers
Chairman of the Board
IACS Research Oversight
Defeating homosexuality with computers
R. J. Santorum, F. Phelps, P. Robertson
God grants every man and woman free will, therefore homosexuality is a choice. This choice exposes tens of millions of Americans every year to sin and pestilence. We have developed an experimental technique using advanced computers, flashing Christian graphics, and prayerful contemplation that may cure homosexuality. This procedure, called De-sodomizing, involves playing a pleasing musical note every time a crucifix appears on the computer screen. When a graphic image of homosexual acts appears on the screen the computer will play an unpleasant buzzing tone. This process coupled with prayerful ministrations will break the cycle of sin in their homosexual cortex. We will also use advanced heterosexual math.
Proposal ACCEPTED - We must proceed with every effort to break the hold of the gays on God's country!
Bibliogical fossil dating of dinosaurs
L. Glans and D. Porridge
Scientifically unsound methods of dating fossils and preserved remains provide an inaccurate picture of the world around us. Therefore the development of a new method of fossil dating based on careful readings of the Bible and Christian measurements is critical. We propose to experiment with various interpretations of the Old Testament on the fossilized remains of several dinosaurs. Our goal is to achieve Sixth Day dating accuracy of plus or minus one half hour.
Proposal REJECTED - Fossils, like starlight, were created to test our Faith in the Biblical reality of Creation. No dating methods, no matter how Christian, can be trusted.
Applications of gopher wood framing in aeronautical design
A. Noah and T. Args
The aviation industry has a constant need for lightweight and strong materials to use in the framing and construction of 21st century aircraft. We will examine the possibility of using gopher wood, as extrapolated from Genesis, in the construction of next-generation transport and attack aircraft. Known to be excellent in the event of Floods, a computer model of this Biblical material will be tested against various secular materials like aluminum and titanium as well as pagan materials including orichalcum, samite and carbon fiber. When gopher wood proves superior to these godless materials we will recreate the substance through experimentation coupled with rigorous scientific readings of Genesis.
Proposal ACCEPTED - Great positive attitude on this one! We love a researcher with the foresight to know the results before we spend money.
Cross-kind breeding and the satanic reality of genetic tampering
God precluded evolution by creating man and animals so that they can only breed with their own kind. Based on L. Hostraum's 1994 research on the failed breeding of horses to lobsters (Lies of Science & Medicine, p. 78) we will attempt to use genetic machines to cross-combine essences of the horse and the lobster. We will then compare the resulting offspring to Biblical descriptions of demons and devils to prove that genetic science is indistinguishable from demonology. Following the experiment the demon creature will be struck down with a sword and then burned while a choir sings the praises of Christ.
Proposal REJECTED - Genetic machines? Sounds a little too expensive.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.