What caused these seemingly ordinary people to start holding onto all the crap in the world? No one cares, but at least you can earn points.
4 points for being bullied, being the bully, being sheltered, being left alone, being lazy, being a perfectionist, being handicap, being half ant
5 points for death of close family member
6 points for divorce
7 points for mental abuse administered by family member
10 points for physical abuse administered by family member
15 points for death of family member who administered abuse
20 points for death of pet
22 points of no reason is given
Though living in squalor, many hoarders have a tendency to have an extensive wardrobe. Unfortunately, the clothes are rarely worn, and instead end up in the same garbage pile as everything else. 2 points each but only to be rewarded if there is at least one room dedicated entirely to clothes. Add an additional point for each occasion where price tag is still attached.
Ball of t-shirts (10 or more), Blazer (1 point bonus if dated from 1970 to 1985), slacks, skirts, girdles, neon pants, steel toed boots, a patterned muumuu, anything with rhinestones, a dresser barely visible under the mess, formal gown, socks (15 per point), flannel, tux, sports jersey for defunct team, polyester pants, denim jacket, flamboyant woman's hat, ascot, suit for child, underwear for opposite sex, uniform for job lost ten+ years ago, room/closet filled with clothes but sealed off.
What do you get the person who has everything? How about a reality check? To cope with the anxiety of a life surrounded with garbage, many of the conflicted people rely on a complicated mixture of being completely illogical with being a complete asshole.
2 points if embarrassed
3 points if embarrassed but does nothing to change
4 points if family members do not understand
5 points if family members do understand
6 points if hoarder becomes nervous for people's safety when they are around piles
3 points if hoarder becomes nervous for garbage's safety when people are around piles
4 points if hoarder is about to lose job
2 points if hoarder has already lost job
6 points if hoarding is considered a "hobby" or a "passion"
3 points if yelling and screaming are first reactions to a threat on the belongings
2 points if passive aggression comes first.
Not everything in the world can be listed. Sometimes it is that special twist of crazy that really puts a hoarder into the wrecked hall of fame. These special situations can really push a score over the edge (+20 points each)
Now that you have finished all the tests, be sure to add up your score before moving on to the last step
Since the most elite hoarders are natural hermits, destined to live a life alone with the carefully collected garbage, you must divide total points earned by the number of human occupants within the house. Anyone who earns over fifty is considered a professional hoarder, while those under are just faking it.
Next week we will break down the difference between the autistic and the boring.
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Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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