Hey, hey folks! It's that time of year again! Old man winter has returned to his hoary slumber, the birds are shitting all over my car, and I'm finally able to open windows to let out the dense smog of cigarette smoke I have trapped in my apartment. That can mean only one thing; time for a new J-List contest! Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I invite you all to experience the pure pleasure of the The J-List and Something Awful Mega Kawaii Prize Bonanza Showdown Series Two!
Some of you may remember that we had a very exciting contest last year. If you thought that was amazing just wait to be blown into bloody chunks by the amazing energy and amazing awesomeness of the prizes we have lined up this year.
Be the first in your country to own a City Name Sports Team T-Shirt!FOURTH PLACE
What sort of inhuman monster could turn down a stylin' fresh City Name Sports Team Hat AND T-Shirt?! It's a prize combo!THIRD PLACE
A fabulous prize package from J-List that includes:
Domo-kun Shirt - Great for those of you who love FARK!
Domo-kun Diorama - Great for those of you who love FARK and have a lot of free time!
Hello Kitty Toilet Paper - Great for those of you who love wiping shit from your ASSHOLE!
Pocky Decorer Banana and Choco (delicious) - Ever wonder what the inside of a mule tastes like? Wonder no more!
Sushi Gummi - Made from only the finest cat tripe!
Melty Kiss Matcha (Green Tea Fudge, yummy) - Just like kissing grandma after she blows a sailor and puffs down a menthol!SECOND PLACE
An even more fabulous prize package from J-List that includes:
I Love Hentai shirt - The perfect shirt to get beat up in when you visit Tokyo!
Super Mario Diorama Full Set - Makes a great wedding gift for the girl who has everything!
Pocky Decorer Strawberry & Choco - The tastiest treat since Legionnaire's Disease!
Hello Kitty Toilet Paper - The second cutest thing you'll ever ram against your anus!
Issues of FRUiTs (Japanese street fashion magazine) and Megami Magazine (anime mag with lots of posters) - People will think you're smart because you're reading MOON MAGAZINES!GRAND PRIZE!!!!!!!
The ultimate prize package from J-List that includes:
Looking for a Japanese Girlfriend T-shirt - A great conversation starter in police holding cells!
Inflatable Japanese "Hug Pillow" (aka Dutch Wife) - A pillow you can stick your penis into! Great for kids and pets!
Little My Maid - How often have you been at work and suddenly wanted to rape a cartoon alien? This prize makes your dreams come true!
Zenra Ballet II DVD - Nominated for three academy awards including "best performance from a ballerina with semen on her face!"
Domo-Kun Samurai Version (Shinsengumi) - The perfect centerpiece for your next FARK party!
Ai in a Cup (Ai Nagase) - A whole new way to bring shame to your ancestors!
With prizes like those I'm sure you're all eager to know how you can enter our exciting contest. It's easy! You send your name to Zack Parsons with the subject line CONTEST ENTRY and you include your contest entry either as a link or as an attachment. But wait, what is your contest entry? You have three options!
ENTRY OPTION #1: Readers of Something Awful should be familiar with the various OS-tans; anime girls representing computer operating systems. Recently a mean bad ALoD recipient decided to create a Something Awful-tan and drew a comic about her getting punched in the stomach and vomiting. That just won't stand! As your entry for the art category create a Something Awful tan, either for the entire site of Something Awful or for one of the sections like the ROM Pit or Photoshop Phriday. Bonus points will be awarded if she is pictured abusing the man in the ALoD comic. This can be animated if you choose.
ENTRY OPTION #2: Write a poem, sing a song, draw a picture, or animate a cartoon about Robocop working as a new on-the-scene reporter for CNN and having a deep and hostile rivalry with Anderson Cooper.
ENTRY OPTION #3: Come up with an advertisement for a fictitious J-List product using your art skills and tools such as Photoshop, pens, and ephedrine.
Linked files are preferred, attached files are accepted, and archived (ZIP, RAR, etc.) files are strictly forbidden! We do not trust your compressed secrets! All entries must be received by midnight Eastern Time on April 4th! Winners will be announced on April 8th! Sorry Europe and Australia, this contest is for people in the United States and Canada only! Must be 18 or over to win because of the scandalous nature of some of the prizes!
I look forward to your submissions and I will be reminding you until you hate me utterly about this contest! I may have to use fewer exclamation marks because I am pretty sure I used up our entire inventory on this update.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
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