Q. Why is the harpoon used as a weapon in so many movies yet there are so few movies about whale attacks?
A. It's all product placement from harpoon manufacturers trying to broaden their sales base to include alien hunters.
Q. When they give a press conference in a zombie movie why do all of the reporters act like they have never heard of a zombie?
A. Reporters inevitably fail at everything they attempt, up to and including understanding the zombie apocalypse.
Q. If carbohydrates are so fattening then why aren't cows fatter and why doesn't eating a cow that ate so many carbs make you fat?
Q. If coal is cleaner-burning than gasoline and there is more coal in the world why don't auto manufacturers make steam turbine automobiles?
A. Various lawsuits from Native American tribes have driven the once-proud iron horse from the plains.
Q. Why don't women in porno movies ever take off their shoes?
A. Porn sets are notoriously infested with hookworm.
Q. In the movie "Armageddon" instead of drilling a hole in a meteor and putting a nuclear bomb down the hole why didn't they just shoot like five nuclear bombs in a row at the meteor?
A. This is what is known as Baysian Physics. This is the same phenomenon that allowed American pilots to become airborne and shoot down Japanese airplanes in Pearl Harbor. Essentially it is the tendency of the universe to gravitate towards circumstances and conditions under which the most heroic acts possible can be performed, no matter how contrived.
Q. But why was there a machinegun on the meteor buggy?
A. Reply hazy, try again later.
Q. Is there anything scarier than spiders?
Q. Why have they put bad cameras into cellular phones but not bad cellular phones into cameras?
A. People sometimes want to take a picture when they're talking on the phone but they NEVER want to call someone when they're taking a picture.
Q. Is there such a thing as Type 3 diabetes?
A. Yes, the fabled Super Diabetes or Los Glucos Loco. It can only afflict animals and it is the source of all miniature breeds of dogs and horses.
Q. Wait, miniature horses? Why would you want a miniature horse?
A. Why do you hate freedom? It's not like they asked for diabetes!
Q. If obesity is such a problem and cigarettes are so addictive because of nicotine then why don't they just put nicotine in a negative calorie food like celery and solve both problems at once?
A. Good idea! Unfortunately, something similar was tried in the late 90s with methadone and raw potatoes. Thousands bled to death through their gums before the program was discontinued.
Q. Why do most good bands seem to have a huge critical success then dissolve under the weight of their own pretension with horrible bloopy-bleepy shit or flaccid droning?
A. Are we talking about Radiohead or Nine Inch Nails? Trick question! Neither band was ever good!
Q. That reminds me, when Trent Reznor is old and dying of cancer what unexpected song do you think he will cover and re-popularize?
A. It's impossible to know at this early stage, but we can only hope the world will still have songwriters creating works with the subtlety and nuance of "Hurt." If not then he could always cover "Bat Dance." Vicki Vale, V-v-vicki Vale!
Q. Does God exist?
A. See below.
Q. Why was "Mind of Mencia" renewed for a second season?
A. See above.
Q. Can the United States ever win the war on drugs or the war on terror?
A. Much like the war on hemlines, these conflicts will ebb and flow, but will never recede entirely.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.