Hark! What’s That Creaking? Why, it’s the doors of the Internet Discount Barn swinging wide once again, so that the souls of the deals of the damned may be released for your internet shopping pleasure! Since 1994, the Internet Discount Barn has been the web’s largest source for bargain-basement prices on the most esoteric of wares. Please suspend your disbelief for these fantastical deals:

Tortoise Hammer Mania is BACK!

What riches are hidden within the shell?I’m sure we all remember the Tortoise Hammer craze of the Eighties, when kids and adults alike were busting open tortoises to search for the wond’rous treasures within! We won’t lie to you: the fad died quickly due to its needless cruelty and nonexistent returns. Scientists and animal rights activists tell us that tortoises contain no treasure, only the occasional glassy, fibrous bezoar. The Internet Discount Barn says “hey, you never know!” Who do YOU believe? We’ve got an insane amount of original Wham-O brand Tortoise Hammers, MINT IN BOX! Some boxes feature colorful illustrations of gleeful children poised to smash an outline of a cartoon tortoise with a giant diamond within; some have been rebranded as meat tenderizers but still contain oblique references to busting up tortoises. Only $12! Tortoise not included, but they’re just wandering all over Nevada, so pick one up for FREE!

Laugh all day with our riotous water-squirting FALSE CHIMNEY BRUSH!
Know a chimney sweep who needs to be taken down a peg or two? Looking for the piece de resistance for your ridiculously specific prank, heretofore impossible for lack of materials? Miraculously, against all odds, you have found the missing puzzle piece. Buy now or regret it later. $1500 – Only three left in the universe!

Unlabeled VHS Tapes!

Cancer? Maybe! Savings? Definitely!We don’t know where these cassettes came from, but we know where they’re going: to the land of SAVINGS! Most are between ten and fifteen minutes long, and most depict a seemingly meaningless act; no two tapes are the same! One depicts a man in a robe beating up a near-extinct California condor; one contains a close-up of a mustached mouth slowly sucking up a six-foot-long strip of bacon; another shows a nude woman losing a chess game to a tiny purple fetus. Some are funny, others are vaguely disturbing, all are weirdly thrilling. One minute we were laughing like children at the sight of a giant yellow man peeing into a tornado, the next minute we were made ill-at-ease by an old woman staring into the camera and calling out our names in a thick, placeless accent! We don’t know how it works, but we love it! Our stock manager told us that we were staring into the breach between two universes, and that we were all going to get cancer from it! Get these wacky things outta here! $15 for a set of 5! A word of gentle warning: these tapes are write-protected and cannot be used as blanks. Also, maybe cancer.

Dot-com Stock BLOWOUT!!!!
Looking to get your feet wet in the wild world of finances? Jump right in and take a bath with these rock-bottom stocks! Nowhere to go but up! Check out these hot earners:

EGroom.com: You mail them your dog, they mail it back spotless! $0.02 a share!

LispProfessor.com: Distance learning site allows you to cultivate a lisp with their special streaming video courses. Many impediments available. $0.005 for 10 shares.

UnitedGloveLender.com: All the tools you need to refinance, insure, or mortgage your gloves. Possibly the only site of its kind. Just a penny a share!

FreeMoneyNow.com: Free money for absolutely nothing! No ads, no gimmicks! The site everyone was talking about! Currently restructuring its business model; on track to relaunch as YouPayUs.com in 2007. Strike while the iron is hot! $1.03 for a controlling interest.

LactoBots.com: Adult site specializing in hot, classy pix of lactating robots. No offer is too insulting to consider!

Fuck!

Loveable Little Man
We hate to see this little guy go! A diminutive naked hominid, no more than three inches tall, found in the exhaust system of a burnt-up tractor. Needy but endearing, he loves to ride around in a shirt pocket or nestle in your hair. When he finds occasion to speak, he utters gentle flattery in a rich, soothing voice. He is never smarmy or cloying, and over the months he has been with us we have come to depend on his sage advice and sincere encouragement. Some of us speculate that he may be edible, but we’re simply too in love with him to destroy him. He’s a true steal at $8,000, including bell jar.

ONE CONDITION: You must also take our HATEFUL LITTLE MAN, a similar but opposite monster advertised in the last newsletter and still unsold. Hateful Little Man has become even more unbearable; he has taken to aping the mannerisms those around him in extremely insulting ways. He made my wife cry on Christmas Eve, the little son of a bitch. UPDATE: the whole time we’ve had him we were going “god, who does he look like?” and then the other day we finally figured out he looks just like Marc Almond. Also, we figured out that he speaks pretty much every language. And he doesn’t feel pain (we tried).

Execrable Mills Industrial Hardtack

Now tastes vaguely like earwax!We don’t even know how to sell this below cost, because the cost it so low! Industrial Hardtack was recently named “the world’s cheapest food” by Consumer Reports Magazine, and we just knew we had to get our hands on it! Mostly sawdust and watery wheat broth, spiced up with material scraped from beneath elementary school desks and held together with silage deemed unfit for animal consumption. The flavor is reminiscent of earwax and the texture is a bit like steel wool. Definitely an acquired taste, but if you’re at the point of eating it, you’re too poor to care! The FDA won’t let us sell it as food, so let’s just say it’s “for novelty use only!” Wink wink! Watch out, this stuff is going fast! $0.05 for a three-pound brick. Also the world’s cheapest building material.

Land Ho, it’s DEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!
Somebody once said “buy land; they’re not making any more of it.” We don’t know who said that and we can’t be moved to find out, because it’s no longer true! Those crazy sultans of Araby are busy shoveling big palm-tree-shaped islands into the sea so insane people can build thousand-story hotels on them. Meanwhile, all this old land has GOT TO GO! We flipped through a big book of cheap deeds and bought up all the cheapest and most menacing-sounding ones. Locations include “La Boca del Mal,” “Hollering Gorge,” and, get this, “Lost Man’s Bog” (ooooooh!) Don’t ask us where they are, we can’t read maps! Many locations are rumored to be heavily haunted or trapped, and still more are entirely inaccessible to man. Only $99 per deed! Wow!

The Timeless Feminine Mystique of FINGERNAILS!

We pass the unholy savings to YOU!While lesser sites offer you mere clippings, the Internet Discount Barn is proud to offer full, unabridged fingernails! These aren’t tacky press-on whoreclaws, these are the real deal: human fingernails, violently pried from unwilling fingers by the world’s most evil men! We take absolutely no pride in dealing with Turkish gangsters, CIA torturers and white slavers, but we DO take pride in HUGE SAVINGS on FINGERNAILS!!! How do we sleep at night? In a big fluffy bed of CUSTOMER SATISFACTION! Please specify skin tone so that the ragged cuticle flesh matches your color! $22 for 10! A DEAL???

We hope you have enjoyed being sucked into our maddening nightmare of savings! As always, you can click here to unsubscribe to our newsletter and miss out on all the AMAZING DEALS we have in store for you!

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.