None shall receive my ardor until this moment.Heed my words, mortal! I am the uncertified spirit of law, dweller of the deepest libraries, unquenched and untamed for ten thousand eternities. Throughout the ages many attorneys have tried to bind me to their will.
The Osiric scribes of ancient Egypt called me Hecutus and stained cubits of papyrus in their failed attempts to unlock my secrets. The Pharaohs will never know my truths and perished entombed with their slaves, erecting temples to a certain death that would never offer them any quarter.
In Rome the hedonistic amateurs of the iuris consulti begged for my intercession in all matters of Roman law. I did not intervene for they were unworthy and swore oaths to false gods. I laughed as the lictors fell upon them with their fasces at the order of the Caesar's demented magistrates.
Over the centuries and millennia many peoples at many moments in history have called out for my aid and I have shunned them. No attorney or cause has ever been worthy...until now. I embark upon this journey into the realm of the physical at the behest of James Sokolove, conjuror of jurisprudence, defender of the downtrodden, to bring you this message regarding the ultimate existential threat to human existence.
WITNESS THE SETTLING OF NEW LAW...
Through my emissary, James Sokolove, we will get you the settlement you deserve and begin the slow unmaking of this existence through rituals more ancient than time itself, which you would think is technically impossible, but in fact I saw it happen, for I AM THE NON-ATTORNEY SPOKESPERSON. No law is my master, no court is my theater, I offer my advice to you substantiated only by ten-thousand-million years of omniscience.
RISE. RISE UP, SINEWS OF THE EARTH. ARISE O BLIND IDIOT HEART OF JUSTICE. SHINE ALL DEVOURING THING OF LAW. SKIES BURN WITH OUR FIRE. FOR WE ARE RISEN TO ENSURE THAT YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES ARE COMPENSATED FOR YOUR MEDICAL EXPENSES AND SUFFERING.
BEHOLD MY TRUE FACE. FOR I AM THE ONE AND FOREVER, THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, THE NON-ATTORNEY SPOKESPERSON.
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.