The kids from Miss Favors' third grade class at Whitebrook Elementary are back once again with holiday tidings. Enjoy your Thanksgiving leftovers and find out what these kids had to say about Turkey Day. Remember, kids will say just about anything because they don't know stuff!

"Increased church attendance"
"Every year I try to collapse the rational universe by being thankful for being thankful."
"That I am about to gain the knowledge and bravery of yet another turkey warrior. I keep holding out for one of them to know how to dodge a spanking, but I guess it makes sense that the weakest would fall first in battle. Eventually I'll turn the tables on daddy. Eventually."
"The missile defense shield. Someone's gotta care. That thing cost like 50 billion dollars and I don't think it even works."
"Random police searches of my family's automobile."
"I like having legs and arms."
"I like to lick off yogurt lids I dig out of the garbage."
"An extra large slice of humble pie."
"Daddy told mommy to eat poop from a butt and then slammed the door and now I think I'd like to try that."
"I don't understand how anyone can stand to eat with peak oil looming on the horizon."
"We found out in science class that daddy mice will eat baby mice if you leave them in a cage together. And who can blame them!? Those things looked delicious. Like little pigs."
"I'll probably be drinking something with the funny skull from underneath the sink. Haha, tell me another joke, Skully."
"I'm not really sure, but I'm willing to bet that it involves burning an American flag."
"With poverty and high infant mortality."
"Ceaseless ululation."
"They eat nutrition pills and then plug their brain jacks into the holofeel computer. Or maybe I'm thinking of the future."
"Is this the part where I'm supposed to say something racist or ignorant? Maybe something cute because I'm just a silly child with no idea of how the world works? Okay: I bet niggers rape kike babies because the Easter bunny is real. Happy Thanksgiving!"
"Indians call corn 'mazes' but they know a lot about computers so we let it slide."
"I just watch the parade for Kathy Lee Gifford. That parade is my only source of updates on Cody's childhood development these days."
"I finally felt like America 'got' me when I saw a Dilbert float."
"The moment I saw that giant Turkey I knew that I wanted it inside me."
"Haha, Garfield sure likes lasagna! What will he think of next?!"
"Whichever one breaks loose and injures the most stupid white people."
"Rootbeer and ice cream in the same glass? Pinch me!"
"The release of 'Mind of Mencia' on DVD."
"The same thing all of America is thankful for every year: the presidency of George W. Bush."
"All of America will be talking about Howard Stern Uncensored on Sirius Satellite Radio. At least the 30 people who have Sirius will be talking about that."
"That the Mutons haven't found their way into the shelter yet and the canned peaches are lasting longer than everybody expected."
"I can't speak for White America, but Black America is going to be thankful once again that we can blame another year of stupid crap on White America. You guys thinking about invading Iran? That would be hysterical. I say go for it. You owe it to yourselves."
"America is named after Christopher America."
"Strenuous physical activity. We usually run sprints or see how fast we can dig an eight-foot deep pit."
"This year mommy says the outer space ship is coming in the comet so we're going to go to bed right after dinner and the fun drink."
"We're gonna play World of Warcraft straight through the meal so we don't miss our guild raid."
"I don't know what an 'intervention' is but I heard daddy say on the phone that mommy is getting one because she's thirsty a lot."
"Oh, I see where this one is going. After we eat our fried chicken and watermelons we like to sing spirituals and then sit on the porch. What do you think? We sit around and talk about how we ate too much and then get into arguments just like you idiots."
"When you put food in your face it goes in the digestive tracks and then comes out of your back. That is the food chain."
"I wish Mother Theresa could be here but she is dead so instead maybe Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter."
"I could pretend since I'm black it's not Harry Potter, but it's Harry Potter."
"Mother Theresa is a mom, but her mom was killed by Voldemort."
"Indians."
"Indians."
"It was the Indians."
"They ate Indians."
"Indians."
"Harry Potter."

I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope the wisdom of children helped that last bite of cranberry sauce slide down your gullet a little more easily.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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