"Howdy and welcome back to the Knife Show here at Cutlery Corner. I'm Todd Boone and I'm here with Mr. Thomas O'Dell and we are about to showcase our number one item. This is the C-C-N number 44452. Folks, we only have 100 of these sets. This is C-C-N 44452 and it is called Megaknife. We have had a lot of big sets here but I think this might be the most amazing set yet."
"Todd, right, Todd this is 254 pieces. This is 254 pieces, not knives. It is an amazing set."
"Tom, we are going to start of the Megaknife set with these 46 jack knives. These are surgical steel with rubberized handles. These are all different sizes of jack knives and they go all the way from the one inchers to the five inch knives."
"Todd, right there, that is worth probably the full price of the lot. The lot is going for 289.95. The Megaknife set is 254 pieces and this is-"
"It's just one piece right here. 46 jack knives, you got the surgical steel and the rubberized handle, this is like five complete sets of jack knives and it is just one of the 254 pieces on this lot."
"It's amazing. We also got four sets of TacOps tactical folding knives. These have got the safety catch, they are made with durable steel and have a carbonized edge with a serrated sawing blade."
"That is four sets, so that is 12-"
"That is 16 knives! That is four items up on this lot and you are getting 16 knives. Folks, we only got 100 units and these are going to all be sold out before the show is over."
"Those are the exact same knives that SWAT uses on combat tactics. EXACT SAME! But not just that, for you military enthuse-enthusiasts we got 9 of the Navy SEAL AquaOps folding knives. This is 9 knives that the Navy SEALs use in Iraq."
"Exact same knife."
"Exact same. Same supplier and you are getting 9 and this is just one item on the lot. That is 46 jack knives, 16 TacOps knives with the carbonized edge and we got 9 Navy SEAL knives that is…that is…like 75 to 80 knives and that is just counted on 3 items on the lot."
"Other shows would count each knife as an item on the lot!"
"Other shows would not have a lot this good! This is perfect for gifts. Father's day or graduation. A wedding."
"Now, now, we got the AquaOps and if you want a real waterproof blade we have three tridents."
"Look at the finish on these tridents."
"Those are the tridents that Gladiators and…and…"
"Gladiators and Mermen use, but with a professional mirror finish. I mean look at it."
"Look at it, like it's liquid metal."
"This is insane. We should not be offering these many knives, but we are just getting started."
"We have, we have also the Genghis Kahn sword and…I want you to look at this…this is the Dragon Sword carried by the Dragon Guard of the Chinese Emperor many centuries ago. This is an authentic replica of the Dragon Sword."
"Not only is it the Genghis Kahn sword and the Dragon Sword, but the Dragon Sword comes with an authentic reproduction ivory tusk sheath, a display stand and five Chinese stars."
"This is movie theater quality replica. These are exact to the sword in Crouching Dragons."
"Exact. Not only - and just the Dragon Sword is insane because that is the same price as the whole lot - not only that, but we also got 48 Widowmaker cavalry sabers. These use acid etched on the sword blade itself and each has a different battle from the…"
"That one is Little Bighorn."
"This one is Little Bighorn but they are all different. All different cavalry battles on the swords in lifelike detail etched with acid directly into the blade of that saber. 48 of these from Widowmaker."
"We have Widowmaker swords on here sometimes and they sell out in ten minutes, but this is the most I have ever seen in one lot. This is completely over the top we have gone crazy."
"Certified. That's just the tip of the iceberg though, we have 11 of the Cyclops throwing knives from TrueTec and we have 9 genuine buck handle bowie knives. The Cyclops come with a throwing knife belt and the bowie knives have a, they come with real authentic leather sheaths for each knife."
"We have only got 73 left on this lot. From 100 to start. These are moving fast, folks!"
"They are blazing out of there because these prices are completely crazy. This is worth at least 9,000 dollars."
"We still have many, many more blades to show. Look at this. This is the sword Christopher used by Dolph Lundgren in 'Raptor Squad' to kill the robot. This is the exact sword."
"Tom, let me tell you, not only is this the Raptor Squad sword, but it also comes with the Puzzle Sword from 'Mission: Orion' and Androidicus the broadsword from 'Future Dragon' with full-blade frost etching."
"Todd, let's double that. That is two Puzzle Swords, two Raptor Squad swords and two of the broadswords from 'Future Dragon'. That is a value of at least 600 dollars. You could sell three of those swords and pay for this entire lot."
"Did we get to the battleaxes yet?"
"Oh, oh wow, this is crazy. Yeah, we have 11 battleaxes from CombaTec. These battleaxes are the exact authentic axes that the Green Berets use. It is stainless steel, a rubberized combat grip handle, and it is weighted so you can throw it."
"Our next item in this lot is Madrigal. This is a mirror-finish show sword. It is - wow, look at this one - it is six feet in length and man, feel the weight on this one."
"This is amazing. It is a claymore, the claymore Madrigal this is from the movie 'The Untouchables' and this was-"
"It was Al Capone's sword, you can see the runes on the side those are done using laser etching. This is a thousand dollar sword. This one sword is worth more than we are selling the entire lot for."
"You could give this as a gift to anyone. Give it to a friend, family, a teacher, your boss. Everyone will fall in love with this. The claymore from 'The Untouchables'."
"Al Capone's sword."
"Okay, we are down to 56 of these, so we want to get through this lot. Let's finish this up."
"We still got a lot to get through. We have 125 sets - sets - of kitchen knives. These are Asian kitchen knives with stainless steel surgical steel blades and solid pewter grips."
"These are amazing kitchen knives. We also have a complete set of 19 authentic reproduction bayonets from the - these are from the German Chasseurs. They are amazing blades. We also have the ninja katana from the 'Lord of the Rings' that comes in an embossed box with a skull on it."
"That's an eye."
"It's got an eye on the box and inside is the katana from the 'Lord of the Rings' and this is a museum quality piece."
"Okay, we're almost done. This is absolutely crazy. This is a crazy deal. We have 26 Roman Gladiuses and it also comes with a throwing Gladius and a Caesar Gladius with a sheath. And this set also comes with a banner and a trumpet."
"That's another sword."
"Oh, it's a trumpet but it's a sword. This is exactly what the Romans used with Caesar. Exact same sword and trumpet sword."
"Just that is, I think I want to keep that. I want to keep that trumpet sword."
"It is really amazing, but we have a trumpet sword, 26 Roman gladiator swords and a Caesar gladiator sword."
"This is probably approaching the best set I ever sold on television. Period."
"I tell you what though, we are going to double all of those gladiator swords. That's 52 of the gladiators, two of the Caesars and two of the trumpet swords."
"Okay, this is completely crazy. We have to - we are selling this at way below cost - we are going to have to finish this."
"Right. Right, the final item, this is the last one, this is 275 Delta Force Warhawk 5 folding knives and 275 Delta Force Warhawk Junior folding knives. These are authentic reproduction Delta Force knives. These are-"
"These are probably the sharpest - he he - sharpest knives we've had here. These can cut through an ogre's bone."
"Just one of those Delta Force knives would be worth a thousand dollars to the right collector. Those are, aren't they classified?"
"These are top secret knives. These are the knives you have all been praying for. They are the ultimate killing weapon. You get a total of 550 of them, mother of pearl on the handle, inlaid authentic gold colored inlay and these just snap open."
"Folks we are almost sold out of this lot, but we want this to move."
"I tell you what, I tell you what I will double this."
"Oh don't! No! That's crazy."
"We are doubling this entire lot. Every knife we just listed multiply by two."
"Oh God, this is crazy! Call the police and bring a straight jacket!"
"I have lost it totally but we are doubling this lot. Folks, call now, they will all be sold."
"Okay, call those in right now, we are almost sold out. When we come back we are going to look at lot C-C-N 42225, this is the DinoButcher lot and it is all swords designed to kill dinosaurs and dragons."
"We'll be right back!"
it's hard to shake the feeling that I've always got five stars in this Grand Theft Auto known as life.
Now, inexplicably, season three is looming over us like some sort of dome. Season one's plot asked whether or not the town could get out from under the dome. Apparently the answer was "no". Season two asked "I guess we're really stuck, huh?" and the answer was "yup".
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.