THE BITCH WAS ASKING FOR IT
Since I have been in college approximately twice as long as the average SA reader has been alive, I feel it is important that I have an unwavering set of life goals. Five or six “guideposts,” if you will, taking me from point to point while allowing me enough flexibility to occasionally pass out in a flower planter over on the bar street while attempting to have sex with one of those “fat chick bending over” garden decoration things.
Because I set these goals often (and usually end up with things like “get out of bed” and/or “FAT CHICK BENDING OVER GIVES YOU SPLINTERS YOU DRUNK FUCK STOP IT STOP IT” written on my mirror the following morning), I am happy to announce two recent accomplishments on my journey to adulthood:
I love Ann Coulter. Not in a sexual way, mind you – her hands are so big my penis would look like a Tic-Tac in comparison, and any sexual encounter with her would undoubtedly end in me sobbing uncontrollably and/or punching her in the face over and over while sobbing uncontrollably. But it’s not in an ironic sense, either. People like things ironically because it is funny to like them, for example Ed Wood movies and music released by billionaire hip-hop mogul Maynard James Keenan.
Because of this, imagine my surprise when I found out Ann was coming to speak at my university! As I waited in line alongside a white dude with dreadlocks and a tie-dyed “Enter the Matrix” t-shirt (who told me he was going to “tell that bitch how it is”) and his girlfriend, who clearly hadn’t bathed since the last time she put on a bra (i.e. never), I was shaking with excitement.
But that sensation turned to shaking in agreement when I entered the building! Some people would like to tell you that Ann Coulter is really a genius troll who makes a living by baiting stupid people into disagreeing with her, but I know the truth. Ann is a demure, restrained young lady who, despite her genius with politics, can self-censor a bit too much at times. After seeing her give a speech in which she called dreadlock guy “gay boy” and made security take him out of the venue, I did some research on Ann and found out how intelligent, well-spoken, and above all, serious she is, and I feel a lot more Ann and a little less censorship would take this country where it needs to be:
Most People Think: That terrorism is bad.
Look at this picture and tell me this woman isn't meant to be taken seriously. She's as serious as .
Ann Coulter Says: “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building.”
I Say: Ann is right in inferring that McVeigh was misguided, and while free speech is important to democratic function (and it should for no reason be taken from anyone ever) sometimes you have to consider the implications of a media monopoly like the New York Times, and what would happen if a revolutionary like McVeigh decided to teach them the meaning of freedom.
However, Ann is failing to consider the implications cloning could have in this. Say we cloned two or three new McVeighs – hell, maybe even ten of them! Then, after we briefed them and gave them enough fertilizer to farm over that shithole Atlanta (that’s how they grow rap music, right?) we could send them to popular Muslim daycares in New York for an ingenious 9/11 preretaliation. This is, of course, assuming time travel is available (if it is, a Republican probably invented it so the New York Times has chosen to ignore it).
Most People Think: That cloning is a hot button issue and that the government should weigh all the options before making a final decision.
Ann Coulter Says: “Incidentally, eight more Clarence Thomases is the only form of human cloning I would ever support.”
I Say: Again, I agree with Ann. Cloning is a terrible, awful affront to God and as such it should be outright banned no matter what the purpose. If God wanted the administration to allow cloning He would have provided Adam and Eve with a highly-advanced science lab full of beakers and scalpels and shit.
And on top of the moral implications, what about national safety? Terrorists are a resourceful group and if they can create a bootleg A-bomb, who’s saying they won’t be dumpster diving to create a makeshift cloning device? What if the terrorists had cloned themselves and a couple of planes on 9/11? I realize the liberals would like to have the ability to clone a bunch of extra-strength paper towels to sop up any rivers Teddy Kennedy might be driving over, but this is a measure of security, people! In fact, the only useful future I see for cloning would be for popular entertainment – I’m sure Jack White would like another copy of himself to give him a meta-handjob when he’s out doing interviews.
Most People Think: Abortion is too hotly-contested to debate for too long, and has been for ages, and many think it should only be used in extreme circumstances (rape children, mother is in danger).
Ann Coulter Says: “I think this is going to be a hard sell if they plan to continue ferociously defending abortion-on-demand right up until the moment the baby's head is through the birth canal. “
I Say: It is absurd to believe that any life (or potential life) is totally without worth. Abortion is indeed a hot issue, but the fact remains that murder is murder, whether you’re killing your wife for insurance money or killing her kid to save child support money.
Every life is precious. Sure, not everyone will grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer or an Internet comedy writer. That is part of God’s divine plan. If I didn’t have Rosa (I would spell it like she pronounces it but my "L" button on my computer’s getting ready to break) around to make sandwiches I’d go hungry, and then we’d have no comedy. If I didn’t have her around to eat dirt at my command solely for my amusement, I’d have no sense of humor, and then you’d all be fucked in just the same way. God has a plan for all of us, and when we take a life we’re screwing with God’s design. And you know what happened last time we did that – Bill Clinton got elected.
Most People Think: The death penalty should be used, though the criteria for using it is the subject of debate.
Ann Coulter Says: "When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once again that John Walker is not getting the death penalty. We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed, too. Otherwise, they will turn out to be outright traitors."
I Say: Can anybody legitimately argue that the death penalty is ineffective as a corrective measure? Since I’m not a pansy liberal faggot arguing for gun control here, I’m gonna call what I use next a “bulleted list,” not a “black dot list” (which is fairly racist of them to say anyway – politically correct indeed):
Here we see Ann posing with Sean Hannity of "Hannity and Colmes" fame. The "Colmes" half of the duo is hard to see because he's hiding in Hannity's breast pocket, the shy little fella.
Therefore, I put forward that prisons are ineffective, and that to keep people in line we need to kill them or else they will turn gay. Don’t get me wrong here, I do have gay friends – it’s just that every time I tell them my theory they can’t hear me, undoubtedly because they’re poisoning their minds with the music of Fallout Boy. If anything executions should be made more common. As a rule, most death-row felons come from undereducated, poverty-stricken mothers. Oddly enough, that’s the same demographic that gets the most abortions – maybe we should consider offering free bleach-huffing classes at community colleges. You know, as a preemptive measure. Just offer a free malt liquor luncheon and they’ll fucking flock, man.
Most People Think: The “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is effective for allowing gays in the military.
Ann Coulter Says: “Everyone says (the Oscar winner) is going to be "Crash," but I think 'Crash' is too popular with filmgoers. Moreover, Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks. Hollywood can never do enough for the gays. Gays in the military, gays in the Texas Rangers, gays on the range. It's like a brokeback record!”
I Say: Disease-free gays can be as effective in the military as any other minority, maybe even more so. Many people who join the military do so because they want the glamor of fighting – homosexuals would be well suited in the mess hall because of their love of cooking (and their wrist strength is strong for maximum potato peeling efficiency) or even as drill instructors (they sing a ton of showtunes so they have to be good at giving cadence). Mortar launchers have thick, long shafts that need oiling for effective firing, and they could even offer a “hiding your erection in group showers” class for college credit.
But even on the front lines, gays could be a great bolster to our military. Because they are naturally adept at standing in front of people in strange positions, they could serve as an effective human shield for our red-blooded American boys, who can’t die because they have beautiful big-breasted women to go home and impregnate. With any luck enough normal lives would be saved that we could create a true nation of genetically superior patriots, and out military power would stand supreme again. Since gay people have been scientifically proven not to have DNA, this is the ultimate sacrifice their scrawny, low-rise pants clothed bodies can give our nation. The ghosts of our fallen foes would cry blood as we spread the triumph of our genetic will to their wives and daughters.
Most People Think: Defense spending is a necessary evil or a shot to the arm for our economy, depending on who you ask. Education spending is just as important, though.
Ann Coulter Says: "[A] cruise missile is more important than Head Start."
I Say: If you think defense spending isn’t important you’re undoubtedly locked in a prison somewhere devising a new way for you and your double-gay colleagues to spread AIDS 2.0 to an unsuspecting public. Our culture is our most precious resource, and we have only kept it so fresh and undiluted because we are able to defend ourselves. Don’t believe me? Look at Japan. They couldn’t defend themselves from a couple bombs and next thing you know they’re eating McDonald’s and watching eight-year-old Del Amitri videos on Super America Music Channel-u.
But education spending is important, too. Without rigorous screening processes for teachers who knows what the kids are learning? If they’re out there reading Darwin’s stuff instead of pissing on the ashes of a pile of his books, something’s going wrong.
The best idea is consolidation. By offering classes that both teach them the classics as well as a four-point Marine Death Chokehold, we’re training them for the past and future, as well as shutting up the pissant liberals, who believe learning Shakespeare is more important than protecting your home soil. I bet if soil gave free blowjobs they wouldn’t be arguing that shit.
So obviously our plan should be to pump as much money as possible into a combined defense/education fund designed to make our children interesting, cultured people as well as cold-blooded killers. I bet that whiny goth fag who cries in the gym shower wouldn’t shoot up his school if they knew the principal could break his arm in three places before he ever unholstered a pipebomb.
Most People Think: We are overtaxed.
Ann Coulter Says: "Taxes are like abortion, and not just because both are grotesque procedures supported by Democrats. You're for them or against them. Taxes go up or down; government raises taxes or lowers them. But Democrats will not let the words ‘abortion’ or ‘tax hikes’ pass their lips."
I Say: Taxes suck. Our very Constitution says that there is to be no taxation without representation, but I’m paying for methadone clinics even though I’ve never used heroin and food stamps for people I wouldn’t feed my leftovers to. This is obviously the fault of the liberals, a bunch of fat cats who have never had to work for money in their lives. They’ll never know the pain of us hardworking conservatives, who have to pay upwards of $3,000 in luxury tax every time we buy a new Bentley. Imagine driving by the soup kitchen to splash puddle water on the people loitering outside seeing some scummy minority in a dirt-stained NO FEAR T-shirt eating a sandwich. You’d have to stop and think about how the dude is basically eating your car.
There is a ton of money in America. The government has billions upon billions of dollars. Why don’t they simply close down shop and start doing their real job, punishing people who are stupid and thankless enough to commit seditious libel against them by comparing George Bush to a pot-smoking monkey? The people receiving the brunt of our tax money, the ones getting free health care and drug counseling and rides to Wal Mart to buy new pairs of Jordache jeans... it’s time for them to get off their asses.
The one problem with this is that most social service workers would lose their jobs. The solution? Put them to work exterminating the homeless. The boom in the cemetery and small arms industries would easily fix the economy right back up.
So if you’re finishing up your third undergrad degree in something gay like “Folklore” or “English” and you’re thinking about writing me a shitty email full of big words you just aborted from a Joyce novel, keep this in mind: I’m one of you. And when you’re holed up in that McDonald’s, handing a salad to a morbidly obese middle management jockey, I want you to smile. I want you to smile because you saw the “I Support the Arts” sticker on his car and you spit in his salad.
And then, when you’re on break from having some twentysomething Filipino with a bad attitude and worse halitosis screaming at you, I want you to look to the sky and think fondly of the revolution. I want you to embrace the day when everyone who has received a social service is gunned down in the street like a dog. And I want you to consider being the first in the revolution. If you can’t live like them, might as well get your brains blown out all over the front panel of your ‘89 Topaz. That’s what I believe. It’s the American way.
It’s the Ann Coulter way, and I couldn’t think of a better way to go.
Goons can be mean guys! Click here to read the boring results!
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.