[THIS IS AN EXACT TRANSCRIPTION, RECORDED ON MY IPHONE]
ASTERIOS: OK, so when someone says "lol" do you know what that means?
KEVIN: That they think you are funny.
ASTERIOS: OK but...the actual letters L-O-L, do you know what that means?
KEVIN: That doesn't mean anything.
ASTERIOS: No, it's actually short for "laughing out loud." And that's what we did when we used l33tspeak. We laughed and laughed and laughed.
ASTERIOS: So let's talk about computer hacking.
ASTERIOS: If you're good at hacking, you're "l33t," which means "elite." It's spelled L-3-3-T.
ASTERIOS: But you can also make fun of someone else's hacking by going, "you are teh l33t hax0r my ninja."
ASTERIOS: Do you have any questions so far?
ASTERIOS: Save 'em 'till the end. OK, so, onto w00t. Now w00t, spelled with two zeroes, is how we would celebrate each other, or ourselves.
KEVIN: Why should I care about any of this.
ASTERIOS: Because you can be the boy who brings it back.
KEVIN: Why would I do that?
ASTERIOS: Because you'll be cool! You'll be cool on the internet! You'll bring l33tspeak back, people will think you invented it, you'll get rich!
KEVIN: If I use any of those words, they're gonna call me a faggot.
ASTERIOS: Hey, don't talk like that, I'm recording this.
ASTERIOS: I told you! You're bringing this back! I wanted to tape record the moment when you realized you could bring this back!
KEVIN: DAD, I DON'T WANT TO.
ASTERIOS: You'll start by calling pirated software "warez," with a Z, like "Softwarez!"
KEVIN: GOODBYE, DAD.
ASTERIOS: They're all gonna think you r0xx0r!
[KEVIN SLAMS THE HALLWAY DOOR]
ASTERIOS: Dammit. Dammit!
[ASTERIOS KICKS A FOOTSTOOL ACROSS THE KITCHEN FLOOR]
ASTERIOS: Why do I always have to be such a lamer?
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
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For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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