Operator: Sir this line is reserved for emergency calls only.

Caller: Yes, I understand 911 is for emergencies, and I realize now that my situation does not constitute an emergency. BUT in my defense, at the time I made the call I genuinely thought my spaghetti was all connected.

Caller: Hello 911? My life is a huge mess. I bought about a thousand pounds of beef jerky cause I figured it wouldn't go bad, but now my rent is due and all I have is jerky.

Operator: I agree sir, that's one of the biggest messes I ever heard of. Does the Jerky store accept returns?

Answering machine: Hello, you've reached 911 emergency services, if you are calling about how the chicken nuggets at McDonalds are too crispy, please know that we are aware of this situation and we are working on it. If you are calling about a medical emergency, please sit tight as we are very busy with the chicken thing

Caller: There's been a horrible explosion at the banana factory! A banana got caught in the works and now there's bananas everywhere! People are slipping left and right! You gotta do something!

Operator: Calm down sir, bananas grow on trees, they're not produced in a factory. That's probably not what happened.

Operator: 911, what is your emergency

Caller: I was just listening to Rick Ross and I started having existential sadness. Rick said something about how his money is so right and how I probably don't have as much as him and I think he might be right. My bank account is lacking and I think Rick Ross is on to me. Do I have any recourse?

Caller: Hello? I'm calling because I've just finished connecting the dots I drew on my hamburger wrapper and it appears to be making a six pointed star. Im worried that this might mean my burger is at the heart of some Jewish conspiracy

Operator: You drew the dots there and then connected them?

Caller: Correct.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.