Operator: Sir this line is reserved for emergency calls only.
Caller: Yes, I understand 911 is for emergencies, and I realize now that my situation does not constitute an emergency. BUT in my defense, at the time I made the call I genuinely thought my spaghetti was all connected.
Caller: Hello 911? My life is a huge mess. I bought about a thousand pounds of beef jerky cause I figured it wouldn't go bad, but now my rent is due and all I have is jerky.
Operator: I agree sir, that's one of the biggest messes I ever heard of. Does the Jerky store accept returns?
Answering machine: Hello, you've reached 911 emergency services, if you are calling about how the chicken nuggets at McDonalds are too crispy, please know that we are aware of this situation and we are working on it. If you are calling about a medical emergency, please sit tight as we are very busy with the chicken thing
Caller: There's been a horrible explosion at the banana factory! A banana got caught in the works and now there's bananas everywhere! People are slipping left and right! You gotta do something!
Operator: Calm down sir, bananas grow on trees, they're not produced in a factory. That's probably not what happened.
Operator: 911, what is your emergency
Caller: I was just listening to Rick Ross and I started having existential sadness. Rick said something about how his money is so right and how I probably don't have as much as him and I think he might be right. My bank account is lacking and I think Rick Ross is on to me. Do I have any recourse?
Caller: Hello? I'm calling because I've just finished connecting the dots I drew on my hamburger wrapper and it appears to be making a six pointed star. Im worried that this might mean my burger is at the heart of some Jewish conspiracy
Operator: You drew the dots there and then connected them?
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.