Caller: [whispering] Is this 911? Hello? I'm in the handicapped stall in the white house bathroom and I just clogged the toilet. I am not officially allowed to use the handicapped stall and if the Obamas catch wind of this I'm a dead man. I need you guys to get a chopper out here to airlift me out pronto.
Operator: [also whispering] We're on it bud. Our biggest helicopter is en route as we speak.
Caller: You gotta help me, I don't know what to do! I put my young boy's ball cap on backwards for a funny photo op, but now he's throwing down hardcore. He's copping a serious attitude and calling me out for being a loser. I actually am a big loser and I have no comebacks. What do I do?
Operator: Sounds like your son is actually a lot cooler than you sir, is there any way you could put him on the line?
Caller: Please, you gotta help me, some joker got a mustard stain on my new white shirt while I was eating a mustard sandwich, and I'm getting self conscious about it since it's really gross looking
Operator: I have to be honest with you sir, it sounds like you're the joker here. You got the mustard on there from your own sandwich and now you have to wash the shirt. I'm sorry sir.
Caller: Hello 911. I have reason to believe someone is jamming my signal. I have yet to receive RSVP texts from either Wanda Sykes OR The Rock, both of whom are expected at my party this coming weekend.
Operator: Wow, this sounds pretty urgent. We'll dispatch someone to their houses right away.
Caller: I'm in a pretty serious situation here. I'm over at the old bridge and I'm about to jump off it. I don't think there's any way I can get out of this.
Operator: Can't you just not jump sir?
Caller: Believe me pal, I'd love to but my buddy here double dog dared me to do it.
Operator: Understood sir, I'd do the same thing in your position. We'll send an ambulance to the area under the bridge right away.
Operator (recording): You've reached the emergency service line at 911, your emergency is no doubt very emergent to us as well. All our operators are currently busy just chilling out, or pretty much straight kickin' it. Please do not call us back, we will call you.
Caller: Hello? This is really messed up. My debit card keeps getting declined at the store, there should be money in my account but apparently the bank has a hold on it.
Operator: Are you sure you aren't just lying? Do you actually have no money?
Caller (now holding phone slightly away from head): Its cool, they said they're sending someone.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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