Commonly known as the Great-great Grandfather of Low-Note Singing (formally Great Grandfather, Grandfather, and Father of Low-Note Singing), Sir Geoff Bampton the Third has competed in every CLNS Champion Series since the inception of the league in 1922. Upon winning his fifth trophy, he became the first low-note singer to perform before the queen--where, legend has it, she immediately became pregnant the first song and a miscarriage the third. Famous for his anti-social tendencies, numerous lawsuits have been brought against the elderly star for biting and scratching various members of the media. Sir Geoff's whereabouts remain mysterious, often resulting in erroneous reports of his death.
Sir Geoff's singing style is held in strict secrecy, and has been unable to be recorded. Many people who have heard him perform state a sense of ecstasy as if they "were greeting a heavenly fellow." Equally as many listeners report mild to heavy hallucinations and intense seizures. Despite one's reaction, all listeners are impotent for at least three days due to the prostate's reaction to such powerful reverberation. In the 1972 interview (the one interview allowed by Sir Geoff), when asked why he sings such low notes despite the effect they have on the listener, he answered simply: "I am God." When asked what he meant, he became physically excited and had to be restrained, but not before revealing a revolver and attempting to kill the interviewer.
Not much is known about the Asian Girl. She is adorable and small. Official paperwork has her at twenty-four, though there is wide speculation that she might, in fact, be younger. What is not in question, however, is her low-note singing ability.
Believed to practice for fifteen hours a day, her start in low-note singing had a strange beginning. Abandoned in a forgotten silver mine, the Asian Girl's only communication was with the echoes from the mine walls. Though she was never taught any formal language, the ability to hear anything in the empty pit seems to have been a comfort. The acoustics were so strong, however, that her hearing soon left. Meanwhile, the silver poisoning claimed her eyes. But a tragedy was turned into a triumph when a monk found her bellowing the loud notes out of fear and insanity. and decided to train her to moan competitively. Now, two months after being introduced into the world, this feral child is driving the critics wild.
Low-Note Monthly compared her singing to a "nursing humpback whale struck with a depth charge."
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.