This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.
HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! It is old so-and-so and I am road rashed and looking for work in all the wrong places. Please proofread this revised section of my resume and if it's good please circulate it among your peers and businesses near your home so I can stop eating milk jugs full of baked beans and maybe move back up to the small cans and then eventually the oversized premium cans. Thank you and good grief!!!!
To Dress For Success Every Week And Be The Best In The Business, Bar None!
Worked With Man Who Invented "Cool Ranch" Name For Doritos (Heard Cool Teens Talking About A Ranch They Went To), Got Inspired To Work
Saw A Falconry Presentation, Learned About Birds Of Prey & What They Do All Day
Talked To Latinas
Went As A "Ghost Beef Sandwich", Thought This Up In Like 15 Minutes Before Halloween Party (Forgot It Was Halloween, Quick Thinker)
Tracked Down Dog Who Stole Wife's "Secret Pad For Womanly Needs", Chased It Into Guest Bedroom Where It Ran Under Bed To Chew On Pad And Growl At Us. Even Though We Had Dinner Guests I Had To Complete My Task. Dedicated Worker. Yelled At Dog For Over 50 Minutes, Saying "You Bad Dog, Please Stop Eating That Pad, That's Disgusting, You're A Bad Dog" Etc. Finally Had To Lift Bed Off Its Frame And Chase Dog Into Backyard Where It Dropped Pad While Running So I Recovered The Pad And Ran It Back Into House (While Being Chased By Dog) Where I Encountered Wife And Said "Here's Your Pad... Dog Got It..." And Placed Pad On Dinner Table Gently. Hard Worker
Can Tie Over 30 Types Of Knots
Good Team Player. Told Wife To Distract Dinner Guests While I Chased Dog Eating Her Womans Secrets. Team Effort. Made Sure The Door Was Closed After Each New Room I Chased Dog Into. Did Not Make Noise When I Slid And Fell In Hallway. Dinner Guests Had No Idea.
Attended A Class On Virtual Reality, Got Lost In 3D Mall
Good People Skills. Told The Dinner Guests We Had A Problem With Our Pet And The Pet Won't Be Making Any More Appearances Tonight To Do Tricks Or Eat Treats Because It Tore Up My Wife's Pad. Then I Growled Like The Dog Growled To Show That It Was "A Dog Thing" (Brought Out & Pointed At "It's A Dog Thing" Jacket)
Expert-Level Knowledge Of What To Do If I Spot A Wasp Nest
Problem Solving Ability. Knew Exactly What To Do During Dessert When The Dog Made A Break For The Bathroom For More Pads: Chase Upstairs, Confuse Dog By Saying Its Name In A Dog Voice. Guests Leave And No Harm Done
Thanks for checking it for problems and if you hear of any jobs that would be good for me let me know, I can do almost anything where I run the place or get to wear a muscle shirt or both BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.