Only Official Interview with the master Sir Geoff Bampton. Esquire, 1972

Last Known Photograph (2003)Sir Geoff, thank you for taking the time to do this interview. How do you prepare yourself to compete in low note singing?
It is simple, really, for all I must do is sit in a room. A dark room. A cold dark room. 65 degrees, pitch-black, and silent except for the sporadic cries of a starved cat. Then, once sat and cold, I think. I think of people. Busy men, women, the dying and the newly born, the children in school who assaulted me daily, and my father. I think of them and I hate them. The hatred builds in the cold darkness and soon it is boiling in the pit of my soul. Like an approaching thunderstorm, I feel the hatred rumbling, growing stronger with every face I imagine until it finally erupts in the form of low notes. Or gas.
Does it hurt?
Yes. It is pure pain that is collected, and so it must hurt. If pain were not coursing through my mouth, lungs, soul, and vocal cords then I would not be able to be a low note master.
What are some advantages to low note singing?
Control, pleasure, feeling in extremities. These are things I take from the listener and crush in my fingers.
Aside from winning multiple championships, what are some of the most joyous moments in your life?
Watching my father slowly die of arsenic poisoning. Putting arsenic in his morning coffee. Measuring how much arsenic it takes to kill a burly monster. Buying arsenic. But I was a child then, and the memories are weak.
Do you feel that the growing popularity of the new disco style music is it a threat to your style?
Low note singing is like a fine wine to disco's soda pop. The tinny bleeps and bloops and falsetto riffraff is garbage and will never surpass my craft. The world thrives on suffering and pain, and so the collective idiot population will not be able to comprehend something so falsely vibrant.
Why do you sing so low if it hurts people?
I am God.
End of Interview

WORLD RECORD ACHIEVED

Finally, we announce that Sir Geoff has broken the world record for low-note singing. Though it is lower than the human ear can sense, a series of tests were run to prove that he was in fact singing.
Thank you for another great year in Competitive Low-Note Singing. Get involved with local competitions and upload your own videos and send them. Maybe you are the next star.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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