- Let's all watch it with the drinking. Hey, I like a good drink as much as the next guy; you set me up with a nice glass of port or a Tom Collins at a dinner party and I'll be tickled pink. But let's not forget that too much of a good thing is never a good thing. I think we all remember the Phi Kappa Phi Gala where I had one Manhattan too many and made an untoward comment about the mixed race of our busboy. Five weekend-wasting sensitivity seminars later, I can tell you what I've truly learned: know when you've had enough.
- Food is also important to consume in moderation when attending a party. Hey, I've been to college and I know that you kids enjoy your "junky food" like roasted quail, but it's important to know when you're full. That third watercress sandwich might look tempting, but just think: how long of a nap will you need to digest this little snack before you can jump back into your water polo game? And trust me, no matter how delicious they might look, abstain from capers at any social event. You don't want to learn about this the hard way.
- If you're going to be intoxicated and require a lift home, make sure to tell your chauffeur when and where you'd like to be picked up ahead of time. I've found that these clods aren't the most forward-thinking types, and are rarely motivated to pick up a GPS to make their jobs easier. And if your party happens to feature a hot air balloon race, remember that ballooning while drunk is now a felony in this state. Laws like these exist to keep you safe.
- When encountering the police, do whatever they say regardless of any Constitutional amendments you might have heard about. In fact, if you happen to be stopped by a police officer at any time in your life, I recommend that you immediately lay prostrate at said officer's feet so he or she will know you are not a threat. Once they have determined your harmlessness by examining the contents of your wallet and person, you should then be able to stand up (slowly) and thank them for not using one of their semi-non-lethal takedown methods on you.
And for all of you civil rights crybabies out there, I ask you one question: would you rather get things over with quickly, or spend days--or even weeks--in court arguing about inalienable this and inalienable that? Once a drug dog smells something in your car and communicates this information to a police officer in a language only they share, you'd be wise to know that no canine testimony has ever been found faulty in a court of law. Just take your lumps in jail and I'm sure everything will work out for the best.
You and I can work together to make my job more comfortable before I leave Pendelhurst for a University with a more generous airfare budget. Hey, I might only live 20 miles off campus, but sometimes it's fun to get there in less than two minutes. But I digress; the important thing here is that you take care of yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and see to it that your fear of police reprisal will prevent you from undertaking any more monkeyshines. As they say on the hit show Hill Street Blues, "Let's all do our best to take care when we're outside."
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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