After playing Jason Hall's / Lithtech's / Fox's / whoever's Sanity for the past few days, I have grown more and more curious as to why the majority of people in this game are associated with evil. It's one thing to be the meglomaniacal bastard who wants to rule the world with an iron fist, but how does it feel to work for them? Not as an underling who does all the bad guy's dirty work, but one of the slave labor grunts who sits in front of a computer console 24 hours a day, seven days a week just for them? I guess I should know, because I did work for Gamespy for a while.
Ha ha, that's just a little humor at the expense of Gamespy, who are probably too busy wondering who they can fire to slow down their ungodly cash burn rate! But seriously, what would it take for you to work for one of the infamous evil companies so prominently featured on video games? I wouldn't think there are too many benefits to laboring for them, as most evil companies don't have their own stock market set up specifically for evil corporations. There can't be much job security in the whole "evil" business, and, as I've seen in Sanity, the working conditions there are simply ludicrous. Take a look at some of these screenshots and you'll see what I mean.
|Workers have to pull four levers in a special order just to make one single bridge appear. What if you're in a hurry to do something evil and you need to get across THAT INSTANT? I guess evil waits for no man. Or bridge operator.||Here's the diagram that shows which switches you have to pull in order to get the bridge working. It could also be an overhead view of crop circles. In either case, I don't know how the hell to decode it.|
|Imagine working at this thing for 24 hours a day, staring at those bar graphs and squiggly lines. Plus you don't even get a damn chair. That's gotta kill your posture.||Check out the efficient and productive mood lighting that librarian is surrounded with. Nothing says "work" quite like saturated green and blue disco lights in your face.|
|This librarian has it even worse. She not only has to hang around the obscene lighting, but she's also forced to stare at FOUR identical monitors displaying America! Why four? Is she so stupid that she must be shown the same image four times? On TOP of each other?||Nice ID cards. The photos seem to be in direct proportion to the person who owns the card. Carrying those things around has got to be a real hassle.|
|Much like the ID cards, science beakers are the size of adult buffalo. They should just turn them over and use them for chairs or as a shield from all the green / blue light.||Can you imagine having to cross this every day for work? Simply touching the blue beams will kill you on the spot, so you're risking your life every time you have to use the bathroom and cross the power grid of death.|
After being forced to live in environments like these every day, I just can't understand why people continue to work for these evil companies. No stock options, a constant risk of dying every day, no chairs, terrible lighting, and work tools the size of your entire torso. Maybe they have some kickass dental plan or something ("dental plan... Lisa needs braces!"). Got me. It's a good thing playing Sanity is a lot more fun than working inside it.
After being exposed to Tiki the Gigantic Intellectual Eco-Penguin, I began thinking that perhaps Something Awful needed a section devoted to informing the children across the world of the devastating effects of pollution. Then I thought a bit longer and decided that would be a really stupid idea. However, after remembering the joy and happiness Tiki brought to me, I went against my better judgment and made one anyway. Folks, please welcome Kitty the Talking Octopus to Something Awful.
Kitty will teach your children all about the hideous world of pollution and industrial solvents which run through our bodies every day like a lubricated snake gliding in a garden hose. Kitty is a "hip" and "radical" mascot who will help you learn while providing a "bitching" good time for all! "Don't have a cow, dude" and make sure to check out Kitty the Talking Octopus' newest lesson, "From Bog to Smog: Man's Journey of Self Destruction"! You won't regret it! Actually, you probably will.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.