Next week will see the release of the ninth game in the main Mortal Kombat series. A retelling of the first three games, this installment promises to be thought provoking thanks to the storytelling methods that were refined and ultimately perfected during the development of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks and Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe.
To answer your most burning questions: Yes, there will be palette-swapped dudes in ninja masks, there will be a ton of characters you've never heard of with chunks of metal glued to their bodies, and there might even be some violence.
Until now, only a fraction of the game's fatalities have been revealed through shaky handheld videos taken at loud gaming conventions. This article marks the first time that every fatality has been thoroughly documented in one place.
Battle cry: "My arms are nearly impervious to paper cuts!"
Fatality #1: Locks the opponent in an unbreakable hold, keeps them in place until they die of old age.
Fatality #2: Punches a hole through the fabric of reality itself, teleporting his extended hand behind the opponent, at which point he shoots them in the back of the head.
Battle cry: "Video games are art!"
Fatality #1: Pulls the opponent's small intestine out, lights it on fire, then puts it back.
Fatality #2: Takes a running start, then kicks the opponent's head off with such force that the opponent dies of shock.
Battle cry: "The ultimate weapon is compassion!"
Fatality #1: Creates a neverending supply of ice water that the opponent must drink until they get a fatal brain freeze.
Fatality #2: Surrounds the opponent in a coffin made of ice, buries it in a hill made of ice, then throws the entire thing into a sun made of ice.
Battle cry: "You tick me off so much! I just want to hit your face with my hands!"
Fatality #1: Punches the opponent so hard that their body stops moving.
Fatality #2: Puts corks in the opponent's nostrils, mouth, and ears, then pours poison into their belly button.
Battle cry: "The rules didn't say anything about a helicopter! You have to allow it!"
Fatality #1: Lands a helicopter on the opponent.
Fatality #2: Uses the helicopter's blades to gain height, then drops the opponent from her helicopter.
Battle cry: "Why yes, I do buy all my clothes at a paintball supply store!"
Fatality #1: Pulls out opponent's spine, beats them with it until their brains fall out, puts those brains in a blender, splashes the opponent's brains in their face, rips their heart out and does an elbow drop right onto the still-beating heart.
Fatality #2: Trips the opponent so they fall on a bed of spikes covered in slow-acting poison.
Battle cry: "Come here, please!"
Fatality #1: Breaks the opponent's neck, then harpoons their departing soul, preventing them from going to Heaven.
Fatality #2: Buys the opponent a ticket to a Los Angeles Dodgers home game, along with the jersey of the visiting team.
Battle cry: "I'm considerably more dangerous than a wolf you'd encounter during daylight hours!"
Fatality #1: Puts a wolfs on the opponent.
Fatality #2: In a horrific display, eats the opponent's food, leaving nothing for the opponent to survive on.
Battle cry: "You'll suffer for my inability to drink from a straw!"
Fatality #1: Tells the opponent to go on a rollercoaster even though they have a heart condition.
Fatality #2: Stabs the opponent a hundred times, only giving minimal first aid after the fact by administering band aids and aspirin.
Battle cry: "I refuse to yell!"
Fatality #1: Throws the opponent in a pool, then removes the stepladder so they can't get out.
Fatality #2: Locks the opponent in a closet, then removes the door so they can't get out.
Battle cry: "One day I'll punch enough people to make my inner turmoil go away!"
Fatality #1: Like a reptile, spins the opponent up in a cocoon of webbing, suffocating them.
Fatality #2: Waits until the opponent goes to leave a wrestling arena in a limousine, then blows that limo up.
Battle cry: "Stop staring! I know it's a bad haircut!"
Fatality #1: Gets drunk, puts opponent in passenger seat as she uses each pair of hands to drive a separate car.
Fatality #2: Uses each hand to rip a different heart out of her opponent's chest.
Battle cry: "Duke who?"
Fatality #1: Prepares a meal for the opponent, but forgets to wash his hands after handling raw chicken.
Fatality #2: Forces opponent to get their own name tattooed on their chest like Johnny, ultimately causing them to die from shame.
Battle cry: "We're completely different! I'm grey!"
Fatality #1: Grabs the opponent's ankles and swings them around, building momentum, finally releasing them in a tremendous arc that send them flying miles away, into a very bad neighborhood.
Fatality #2: Makes the opponent play Mortal Kombat: Special Forces.
Battle cry: "It's my life's mission to prove that fans are dangerous!"
Fatality #1: Pushes the opponent into a pit of lava - without a safety vest.
Fatality #2: Chops the opponent into a thousand cubes, then scatters them haphazardly so there's little chance of them being assembled in the correct order.
Battle cry: "I can catch the ball!"
Fatality #1: Turns into a dragon, grasps the opponent in one large claw then uses the other claw to shoot the opponent in the face.
Fatality #2: Uses one of his three wishes to turn the opponent into a robot with faulty wiring, uses a second wish to summon a puddle of water, and uses his third wish to make the opponent robot lay down in that puddle.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.