A recent fun and exciting trend has popped up on the internet, one that guarantees any man a chance to have sex with a female 100% of the time by using a mixture of psychology and mathematics and basic human reactions. Masters of these techniques are known as "Pick Up Artists," or PUAs, and they freely roam locations like reddit, reddit, and sometimes even reddit, spreading their successful tricks to "get laid (with a woman)." Having studied the art myself, I would like to share some of the most effective methods I've discovered to have virtually any woman you want. Enjoy.
Dinner and a Movie
If you see a hot broad wandering around by herself in a public location, that means she's a prime target for your advanced PUA skills and if any police officers beg to differ, remind them about a certain document... perhaps you've heard of it... it's called "The Constitution" and promises the pursuit of happiness and he is illegally impeding you which is punishable by Head Judge of Courts. Approach the target wearing casual camouflage netting and throw a rock at her head that says "UR UGLY. PROBABLY FAT. WANT 2 EAT & SEA A MOVIE?" The target, now negged, will feel bashful and stupid (as is the typical female's reaction), and she will agree to your date.
Take her to the most expensive restaurant, something that has all lowercase letters in its name and intentionally lacks the necessary vowels to form an actual complete word. Demand she pay for the entire meal because she's wasting your precious time you could've been spending leveling up an elf at home on your computer. Then when she asks what movie you're taking her to see, reply "oh it's a movie you'll never forget, trust me." Then laugh maniacally. Make sure the lighting is below your face so you look extra psychotic (psychosis makes womens' loins wet with pleasure).
As you lead the woman down a twisting 13-mile trek through a portion of woods full of stones and boulders, eventually ask her "who's your favorite actor?" (pretend like you care). She will inevitably say "The Rock," because women are all superficial bitches who are obsessed with money and muscles and wealth and strength and bad boys. Reply "well you're in luck, because you're about to meet The Rock!" Then beat her with a stick until she passes out and you can have your way with her because when she wakes up you tell her it was just a dream and she owes you money for the movie tickets you were forced to purchase because she was too lazy to wake up.
Dancer In the Dark
It's a well-known fact that all women love to dance because dancing is pointless and stupid and serves no function but to waste a man's time when they could be doing more productive things like using the internet or upgrading graphics card drivers. Scour the streets for a lonely woman who is clearly looking for a good time (ie, somebody sitting on a bench or somebody standing up / walking while breathing). Block her path and say "you look alone and, to be quite honest, borderline retarded. How about a night on the town with a stud who knows how to treat a lady right?" While you say this, swing a glowing crystal amulet in front of her eyes and use the power of Mephistopheles to mesmerize her into obeying your commands. This technique is what's called the "Ol' Swingin' Satan."
Now lead or carry her paralyzed body to a dark warehouse that contains an overwhelming stench of industrial paint and pneumatic conveying machinery. Make sure all the lights are off and the windows are boarded up. Tie her to a chair using advanced rope tying skills that you learned from your militia survival course, and demand she tell you her bank account and routing number so you can take all her money and spend it on DLC and microtransactions for your favorite video games. If she asks you when you plan on dancing just claim you already did it but she can't remember because she was drunk on cosmopolitans or Zima or whatever women drink.
Love On-Line: Cyber Reality Style
If you happen to discover a female smart enough to use computers AND the internet, this technique may be too advanced for the average PUA, and you might want to work your way up to it over time. Use an instant messaging client to first contact her. Your initial message should be an intense neg along the lines of "r u on the c omputer b/c ur too ugly to be seen in person??" and they will immediately get defensive and respond "no, I'm really gorgeous and so smart I'm the President of Harvard University School." This is where you make your move: reply "if thats true then meet me in BEst Buy and prove which SSD has the fastest read and write speeds."
Now you've successfully separated her from the internet. The next step is to alienate her from her family and friends. When she meets you at Best Buy, casually mention "oh while you were on your way here, your mom called and said you were a bitch and if you have any other family members they also called me and said you were a bitch and to not bother coming back home." She will start crying because women are weak and emotionally break down over ridiculous things, so shove her into a shopping cart and push her out of the store. If any employee tries to give you trouble, tell them they are infringing on your rights and you aren't legally obliged to show them your receipt.
Shove the shopping cart off a steep cliff into a nearby creek and go home and play CS:GO. Oh wait have sex with her first, I should've edited that in before.
When it comes to the holidays, women like to dress as provocatively as possible to tease us men and make us so angry that we throw lamps at our anime figurine collection. But keep in mind that inside every whore is a slut just waiting to come out! On the day of Halloween, slowly drive an unmarked van around residential neighborhoods, looking for large groups of people having fun (these are called "parties"). If you see one, drive past it and park several miles away. Make sure to be wearing your Guy Fawkes mask so you will blend in with the crowd. Climb over any nearby fences and, if you have to, use your stealth moves learned from the Metal Gear series to enter the party home undetected. Survey the scene and locate a hot babe. Approach her with a confident swagger, attempting to minimize the sound of your wheezing asthma. Form a barrier between her and your friends by pushing nearby furniture, such as bookcases and tables, into a blockade she is unable to escape from. This is where the magic starts: pull down your pants and show her your dick. Since she's in a public location, and you've already proven your confidence, her natural instinct will be to pleasure you with oral sex.
THE SUPER MAN
If you see a dumb looking but hot woman (like she's wearing glasses or is on her phone) approach her and say you're Superman and she won't need a phone or glasses where she's going: the exotic and breathtaking planet of Kryptonite!!! All females love free trips so she will go with you. Lead her directly into oncoming traffic and after the horrendous flaming wreckage settles, pick up your favorite body part of hers and take it home for pleasure!
PRO-TIP: the best body part is the "vergina," which is essentially a gooey hole, so find a hole and put it in your pocket inconspicuously, like you are the leader of the Professional Police Body Parts Recovery Team.
Spend decades shining a pen light into a hot babe's eyes wherever she goes. When she eventually becomes blind, approach her and say "I am your boyfriend and I couldn't help notice you are blind, let me walk you to the free money store" but then you glue her head to your groin and say "it takes money to make money... BITCH." The rest, as they say, plays itself out naturally like Shakespeare.
THE REAR VIEW WINDOW
Kidnap a female infant from a nearby hospital with lax security and lodge her up your butt. If any security guards attempt to give you guff, quickly point in a random direction and shout, "hey I think I just saw a really bad doctor crime over there! Please, I think Obamacare is involved!" The officer will thank you for your civic duty and when he runs away to stop the (fake) crime, you can freely saunter out of the hospital, no questions asked.
When your ass child comes of legal age, release her and she will be so thankful that she will clean your kitchen and watch you play your favorite video games for at least several days. If she experiences any forms of typical female "sass," such as saying irrational things like "let me go" and "I did not enjoy living up your butt," threaten her by saying you plan on having ass surgery to make your butt even smaller so once you re-import her back inside, she cannot take any of her favorite objects with her, such as cellular phones or newspaper coupons. The cellular phone coverage inside the average male anus is sub-par, and my research has proven not a single newspaper service offers in-ass delivery. Checkmate, whore!!!
Let's Hit It!
An extremely useful PUA technique is one dubbed "Elysian's False Dichotomy," in which you offer two options for a woman, knowing she will end up choosing the one you secretly wanted the entire time. An example: "would you like to be dead, or would you like to be my girlfriend?" She will, more often than not, choose death because all women are selfish idiot whores who just think of themselves and don't respect nice guys like us and instead always choose to date the jock or asshole even though they'll call you at 2:00 AM and ask you for help printing out their Microsoft Publisher document so you'll walk two miles in the rain carrying a HP Laserjet printer and then she won't even show any gratitude because her boyfriend is there and you've been used like a slave.
So say you see a target female in a location where they are clearly out of their element, like a Gamestop or walking on the sidewalk. Catch them off guard by throwing canisters of tear gas at them, then charging in to save the day (make sure you're wearing a gas mask on top of your Guy Fawkes mask). Bluntly state, "looks like I've saved you from that terrorist attack. Now would you like me to return you to the tear gas, or would you like to take your clothes off and do sexytime things with my erotic zones?" The secret here is to ABSOLUTELY NOT GIVE HER A CHANCE TO RESPOND, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER WILL BE, so punch her in the mouth a lot so she can't speak. If you lack the strength to accomplish this, ask a nearby person to help you out. You may need to bribe them with something like a free Prima Strategy Guide to Ultima Online.
Once you've carted her inside your home in a wheelbarrow, congratulations, you have officially consummated your marriage by crossing the threshold with her, and you can now chain her to a radiator while forcing her to watch you do Goldeneye 64 speedruns on Twitch. If she threatens you with divorce, keep in mind many states have a "no fault law," which means it's not your fault your wife has stupid and incorrect opinions and judgement, so the Court Judge will say "everything you are doing is right and good" and he will high-five you.
If none of these techniques get you laid, then you're some hopeless blue pill white knight moron feminist idiot shit fucker man and you should throw yourself off a very tall bridge because you are too ignorant to understand the simple female psyche and you're probably cucked and don't have even HALF the Xbox gamerscore I do. To all others: happy hunting!
Natural and supernatural horrors mount on an expedition to an island music festival for the wealthy.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.